My Sister Tribe

There are so many relationships that contribute to who we are, who we become in life. From an early age our parents are the first to begin to shape us. Then we have other adult mentors, babysitters, teachers, older friends or the neighborhood kids. Later in life our inner circle are the people that affect us the most, our romantic relationships, our best friends, and still our parents always and forever in one way or another. As impactful as all of these people can be, there is no one in life quite like your SISTER TRIBE.

When I say sister tribe I’m talking about all of the female relationships in your life. I’m talking about the people that you choose to hold closest in your heart. The women that are your tribe, the women that inspire you, challenge you, shape-shift you, the people who help make us who we are, and help craft us into who we want to become. My sisters are the most important people in my life. I am lucky enough to have two blood related sisters who are my best friends, mentors, angels in my life, to have a mother who is a guiding light, my moral compass and pillar of strength, and at least two handfuls of other ladies who no matter what phase of life I’m in, seem to always trust me, push me, and ask the hard questions to ensure I’m living the best life I could possibly live. These women don’t just inspire me to be a better human, they aren’t just role-models in the workplace, and in the home, and they aren’t just leaders in their fields, specialists in all the roles and titles that they hold, although they most certainly are all of those things as well. For me, these women are influential in driving me to become the woman that I am today, they have changed the course of how I’ve envisioned my life would be tomorrow, and helped me manifest my tomorrow from a place of abundance today.

On International Women’s Day this post goes out to my SISTER TRIBE. There are so many to name, but I’ll start with a few who have been staples in making me the woman I am today. These women have been consistent threads either from the beginning, or entered later in life with a splash, all making an everlasting impact.

Women's March 2017 with my mama

Women's March 2017 with my mama

My mother.

The woman that holds space for me to be, feel exactly what I need to in each and every moment. The woman that gave me life. The woman that through her strength, her words, her guidance and her love, shows me first hand how to choose, to come from, a loving, present place with every action and every path life takes me down. My mother who has part of her heart in mine, and mine in hers, has given me more courage than she may ever know. Courage to work, to face my fears, courage to let go, to forgive, courage to love, and no matter how many times I’ve fallen, courage to stand back up again. Courage to be me, all because of her love, because of our love.

My blood-sisters.

Two of my biggest teachers. Forever looking up to my big sister, and overly protecting, yet also always looking up, my little sister, we sure have our differences and yet they have been my life’s greatest mirror. Pushing me to see alternate perspectives, to open my mind to other ways of being, other ways of action, of healing, words don’t ever have to be spoken between us, all is understood. You ask the hard questions, you keep me true. In the presence of my blood-sisters, I am most accepted without judgement with these two. I feel the closest feeling to my heart living out in the Universe with the existence and intrinsic connection between my blood-sisters.

My Life & Business Coach, Sarah Khambatta.

This woman has been holding me true to my essence for the last 2.5 years. Never quite knowing what or how she’s going to help me get out of my own head, she always seems to help the flowing tears make sense. She guides me to see between my own words, helping me gain clarity on major life decisions while also empowering me with self confidence when I’m not sure where it went. Together we turn my dreams into action, helping me manifest all my visions while always leaving room for more dreams to come true.

My high-school English teacher Mrs. Nickerson

The first female role-model in my life outside my family. You taught me to trust my words, to trust my heart. You showed me that creative writing could be used for healing, and you taught me that my writing mattered. You reminded me I would never be alone, that there was always someone out there with a story who can relate to my own, that no matter how much pain my heart may feel, that I would be able to get back up and keep living a beautiful life.

My sister-friends.

You are my soul. You are my chosen family. You remind me that community tribe exists. Through thick and thin we will continue to choose one another as our chosen family because we know we want, we choose to do it together. You guide me when you’ve been down the road before me, you comfort me when we’re on different paths because we know we don’t have to experience the same experiences to know, to believe in, to love one another. You motivate me to be the best person I can possibly be.

Every single one of these women have changed the course of my life for the better. There is no one I would rather stand with, hold, hug and do this life with than you beautiful beings. And to all woman out there, may you continue to feel inspired to speak your truth, to stand in your light and to dream until all your dreams come true, and then dream some more! We are in this together!

A Walk in the Mountains...

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Feeling the need for some me time, and faced with a decision that quite literally had a clock running against it, I went on a hike yesterday. I drove myself up to the local mountains and spent the morning and afternoon amongst the trees, the earth, the birds and the wind. Anxious and unsure about what was brewing inside, I spent the entire hike up the mountain hustling, sweating, completely out of breath. It felt incredible to push myself up against the physical boundaries of my body. Once I got to the top, I decided the walk down was going to be leisure, a long meditation. It would be about observation, embracing, and allowing all that needed to come through to come through. I started right where I was, sat down to admire the stillness of the ocean from so high up and pulled out my journal. The hike up had been about the desire to sweat, but it was also a quest for clarity. A big business decision, investment was on my mind and I couldn’t see, or tell if this was what was right for me. Not feeling the words come through, I sat with the view before me. Feeling dis-ease about this decision, afraid that my lack of decision would ultimately be my decision and that had not felt good when executed in the past, still feeling unsettled and traumatized by it before. I looked down at Mother Earth.

Our choices reveal our intentions.

Evolve.

Love.

Things change.

Every one of these were written on a rock deep in the ground. Almost unable to see them anymore the writing had faded over what must have been years, yet incredibly clear to me, these words fell out of the earth. I read them and understood them in this order.

Our choices reveal our intentions.

Evolve.

Love.

Things change.

Funny how the Universe gives you signs, for me they’re never quite in the form of a direct answer, yet they always indirectly reminding me, giving me comfort or confidence in the answer I know they’re supporting.

Alright, I thought. Message received loud and clear, right? Somehow my decision still felt unmade in my body. Frustrated because how do words just fall out of the earth like this and I still not know in my body what the right way forward is? I began my slow, conscious, descent down the mountain. Birds chirping, trees rustling in the wind, animals scurrying away when hearing my footsteps, I stopped on a flat piece of the trail. The sun shining down on this one little spot between the trees, I closed my eyes and listened. I let myself meditate. I asked for answers, got still and then felt frustration again. I wanted more clarity Universe, couldn’t you just give me an answer directly!? I sat there what felt like eternity but was likely around 15 minutes, before moving onto my next stop. Stopping whenever my body wanted to stop throughout the whole trail. I stopped looking so abruptly for the answer and started simply enjoying the walk. Meditating on tree branches, watching the birds fly from treetop to treetop, feeling the wind in my air supporting me, I found a beautiful carved bench at the end of the trail, and laid down for some Breathwork. Crying, laughing, I opened my eyes under the trees. Butterfly number six flew by in that moment.

“There is no wrong answer.”

It was clear as day. There is no wrong answer. Smiling I sat up. I felt comforted, supported, loved. The decision itself still sat above me and when I allowed my mind to go there it would still  cause unsettled discomfort from my insides out, but I recognize that I will allow it to come to fruition when it’s ready. And now I know, I feel, that no matter what, there is no wrong answer.

Funny how the Universe provides messages, and if we’re looking for them we can see them, find them and maybe even interrupt them exactly how we want to interpret them. We might even doubt what we have received, feel insecure about it, unsure that it’s what’s right and talk ourselves out of it, but to me, the most glorious piece of all is knowing that when the answer is meant to come to you, you will hear it loud and clear, clear as day.

The following day, which just happens to have been this morning, I went to a spiritual coffee and chat conversation with a group of like-minded ladies. At the end of the chat one of the women asked me how I got the courage to follow my dreams, to make such big changes in my life and to do so fearlessly. I smiled, feeling my insides light up with fire at the word fearlessly. I told her and the others the story of my hike yesterday, of hearing from my inner guidance, and then making a choice to listen to it, whatever that meant. I told them I didn’t believe in fearlessness, that I have yet to have met anyone that does not have fear, but rather I meet a lot of people who choose to move forward with fear in the backseat. I explained how for me it’s about the baby steps, it’s about being open to hearing from my inner voice, and then being courageous enough to listen to it, to act on it and to do so in whichever way felt right to me and for me in the moment.

Me in this moment knows the right decision for me and it makes me a little sad. I wanted the answer to be one way and it’s just not. I promised myself a long time ago I would always honor my intuition, and I haven’t had conflicting branches with what my intuition wants and what my conscious mind wants in awhile. I forgot that sometimes they’re not aligned and that it’s okay. It’s my journey to lean into TRUST and to trust that my intuition is telling me this direction for a reason.

Some of my favorite things about changing my relationship with food...

Over the last 6 months I’ve been changing my relationship with food. I’ve been working with a nutritionist, learning things about my body, cutting out booze and sweets altogether, and for the first time in my life actually looking at my relationship with food.

I used to be incredibly irritated by people who talked about clean eating, superfoods, eating consciously, and all the other buzzwords that surround the food and wellness community. And although I still find myself slightly triggered by them, if I’ve learned anything in this last half year, it’s that when I put things in my body that feel good, I FEEL GOOD. I know magic right!?

One of my favorite things about this whole experience has been the gift of clarity. (Well that and the fact that I lost 15 pounds overall, 6 of which were in the first 2 weeks, that feels pretty damn good too.) Without constant stomach aches all the time I could feel myself able to tap into this crystal clear vision. It was as though I suddenly had significant more time because I wasn’t constantly trying to solve my stomach aching, or figure out what I ate that was wrong, or worse, come up with yet another remedy that I knew would only be temporary until the next stomach ache. Eating different foods, trying different recipes and overall putting things that feel good to my body has created this genuine clarity within my body giving me stronger insights in my life, direction, actions to take, and more intuitive hits for my clients and the people I was surrounding myself with.

Even more than all these incredible benefits, I finally feel like myself again. This is probably my favorite part of this whole experience. It’s this feeling that has made every single night I brought my own broccoli soup over to a friend’s house, or sat there with a club soda while everyone else was hammered, absolutely, 100% worth it. Feeling like myself again has allowed me to stand in pictures and not cringe when I see them, to wear a bathing suit and not completely want to die. Don’t get me wrong I still have my self-conscious moments, and I can hear my monkey brain jump to all my own self-judgements in both of those situations, but I’m able to bring myself back to the reminder of how hard I worked. I’m able to see what I’ve done and allow myself to keep living my life in a way that feels right to me, while also not hurting myself anymore.

It feels good to feel like yourself! That to me is the moral of this story, and if I need the reminder again, I have this beautiful post to come back to.

Lanston Sport video shoot, feeling completely, authentically ME!

Lanston Sport video shoot, feeling completely, authentically ME!

Whole Balance

“It’s a myth. Balance is a myth.” - my bestie, mother of a 2-year old and creator of a beautifully curated online and pop-up vintage store called Folk & Cup.

WILD HEARTS: A virtual journey to create more balance in our lives!

WILD HEARTS: A virtual journey to create more balance in our lives!

People live their lives striving for balance, following balance around, always reaching for and maybe sometimes, although I’d say rarely, obtaining it. It’s something that seems to sit just out of reach and I’m not sure that it’s at the fault of anyone  else, but rather that balance isn’t something that’s sitting there waiting for you to begin with. My bestie is an entrepreneur, a mother, a wife, a best friend and has many other labels and roles to play in her life. On a daily basis she can be pulled in many different directions, stepping into entrepreneur role while her toddler naps, keeping the young-one entertained as he explores and learns the world around him during the day, and preparing dinner for her family at night so she can have an hour or two of quality time with her hubby when he gets home. All the while sneaking time in between everything else to keep an active social media presence for her brand, bringing in new opportunities to bring her pieces to the best shops in her town, and creating a beautiful set-up when she pop-ups at flea markets. Just calling attention to the many things that require her attention makes me feel a little unbalanced and as a result feel like maybe she has a point, maybe balance really is a myth?

Last week I saw Arianna Huffington speak at a conference about “Thriving in this Digital World”. Already a big fan and follower of Ms. Huffington, I was diligently taking notes throughout her speech feeling all around great about how I’m currently choosing to live life and what I’m doing for myself to ensure I’m THRIVING. When commenting on “work-life balance” and what that means to her she said, “It’s not about working longer or working harder. It’s about working smarter…” She went on to say that it’s not about finding work-life balance, it’s about creating the life you want to live for yourself. My bestie’s belief on balance started feeling more real.

After spending more than a decade in corporate America myself, there’s a lot of talk around the subject of work-life balance, and yet seemingly significantly less action. When it comes down to it, the company needs you to do what they need you to do. As middle to upper management, never quite the big dog on campus myself, our roles and responsibilities never changed no matter what was in front of us. The number of mental breakdowns some of my team members had around me feeling overwhelmed by their work-load, yet never wanting to vocalize where they were coming from for fear that there was someone right behind them in the cue ready to step-in and give their everything to the position, broke my heart. You shouldn’t give your everything to your company. You should work smart, be clear, give your heart, but keep your soul for yourself. Keep your soul for your family, for your loved ones and for the life that is waiting to be lived around you outside of your office doors.

Arianna speaks a lot about balance in the workplace, and creating a shift from within the company culture as that’s the only way companies will create true impactful change. But as individuals, what can we do to ensure that balance doesn’t slip between our fingers? How can we take control of balance in our own life?

I believe it begins by feeling into what balance means to you across the board in your life. Do you feel balanced in your healthy lifestyle, do you feel balanced with your time and how you spend it, do you feel balanced with your friends, social life, family, spirituality. There are so many ways for balance to bleed into your life, and just as many ways for balance to feel like a lie. No option is wrong, I think it’s about choosing what balance means to you.

For me balance in healthy living, healthy eating, exercise, has always been a struggle for me. Having participated in weight watchers on and off since I was 16, always feeling like I was overweight and struggling with self-control, somewhere along the line I began telling myself this story that balance with food for me would always be a struggle. After 15+ years of  telling myself that story, not so weird that it became the truest form in which I lived by with food. I would fall off the wagon and get back on more times than I could count - (a story every food battler knows well). When I started working with a nutritionist now 6 months ago, I thought - THIS IS IT. This is the big change I’m not just looking to make, but I’m CHOOSING to make in my life. AND, this isn’t just a change momentarily, this is a lifestyle change. And change it certainly did. I spent the last 6 months hyper aware of what I was eating, finally drinking enough water, eating enough vegetables and generally working out as I should be. I lost 15 pounds, exactly what I was hoping for, and felt like myself again, confident and comfortable in my own skin, and although the voice saying “you  shouldn’t eat that, you should eat this” was still going on, she became much smaller. I was talking to myself like I loved myself again.

The funny thing about this massive change though is that it’s not one and done. (I know, of course right? Silly of me to think otherwise) I guess I had hoped that because I had made such huge strides forward, had done such deep work on myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually and all in connection with my relationship to food, I thought I would heal my mind and maybe that little voice would get so small that one day she wouldn’t be there. Then one night, I had a few too many drinks, ate things that don’t feel good to my body and Monday morning I’m back at it, feeling frustrated with myself, and little voice has gotten louder again. The shift I’m choosing to make today that’s different from before is I’m choosing not to berate myself. I’m choosing to accept the choices I made, I enjoyed myself nonetheless snf I do tend to have an overindulgence side to me. I’m comfortable with that, at least for now. But today, I choose balance again. I haven’t lost balance, she’s not something to reach for and pretend that she’s attainable in tangible form. But today I choose balance within my body and for my body, balance with what I’m eating, with what feels good and I’m choosing to act on what feels good.

Maybe it’s not that balance is a myth as much as it is a state of mind as opposed to something to be striving for. Balance today feels like a feeling, a core desired feeling because when I feel balanced, I feel unstoppable, authentic, and in flow.  Maybe finding balance or connecting with balance is about implanting, choosing the lifestyle that comes with whatever the word itself means to you, in your life and for the betterment of your life.

Almost30 Nation Podcast

CHOOSING YOU BELONG.

I was going on my first podcast in a few hours, and not only was it a live recording podcast event, but it was for a program that collectively had over 60 thousand followers. To add to the mix, I was going to be on the podcast alongside a doctor, what he calls, a doctor of breathe. Nerves were certainly prevalent in my body.

I’ve never been one to question my own belonging. I’ve been called weird almost my entire life, and somehow always found ways to turn that word into something I adored representing - unique, powerful, connected, confident. I’ve learned to love all that the word represents, so it wasn’t the doctor title that scared me, (alright maybe a little) it was a sudden rush of teaching a live recording. I’ve taught hundreds, thousands of clients in a number of ways, conferences, groups of hundreds 1:1, companies, and yet somehow, because eventually all eyes close during what I teach, this nervousness felt new. All eyes would closed here too, but this time, there was no messing up because it was being recorded for an international podcast. Did I belong enough to be recorded for all to have access to throughout all of time?

Acknowledging my nerves, some deep breaths and good dance moves later, thankfully on time, my body had relaxed back to center and into the studio I went.

Of course, everything went swimmingly. The hosts of the Almost 30 Nation podcast are rockstars, funny, playful, yet inquisitive and wellness and meditation advocates at the same time, the interview was fun and informative. Not only that but we got a room full of strangers to breathe together deeply into their bodies, activated their energy, opened their hearts, and even stirred some emotions. The room was pulsating with energy, and I was covered in goosebumps, the way I know we’re moving energy and on the right path as a group. The group left the room that evening, honoring their emotions and themselves for just exactly where they were in life in that very moment and all because we tapped into our breath.

Driving home, I couldn’t help but smile. I belong everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

“You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all.” - Maya Angelou

Photographer: Rachael Reiss

Photographer: Rachael Reiss

Photographer: Rachael Reiss

Photographer: Rachael Reiss

End of the Year Analysis

It’s the end of 2017. That means we’ve almost made it through 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours and I’m not positive about you, but I know for me and I’m assuming you, that A LOT has happened! Some of us have more sadness in our lives than we had hoped 2017 would bring, while some of us have more love, created bonds and unions with new people helping us see more of the beauty and love in this lifetime. Or maybe you’re like me and have experienced both sadness, and deep darkness in juxtaposition to all your happiness and love. No matter where you are I know one is for sure, you changed, you evolved and you right where you are to be. Where you are right now in this moment of your life, is exactly where you are supposed to be. To clarify, it’s not that I think “everything happens for a reason” because that would insinuate that bad things happen to good people for a reason. However, I do believe that there is a gift to be seen in pain, just as much as there is a gift to be seen in happiness. It’s okay if you’re not yet ready to look at the gifts behind your pain, you will be one day and if you so choose to do the emotional and mental work you can, you will, transform your pain into power.

All of this is my incredibly long introduction to something I’ve had so much fun doing these last few years, and that is - an end of the year analysis. Doing these exercises have been incredibly helpful in wrapping my head around how it could possibly be the end of another year, while at the same time reflecting both on all the successes, gratitudes, lessons and creating a path forward from this place of abundance with today. In hopes of inspiring you to reflect on your wonderful life, wounds, scars and all, I’m sharing my year end analysis with you, and I encourage you to do your own analysis. These exercises are a combination of love from spiritual guide Danielle Laporte and my recommendation for a Life Coach, Sarah Khambatta.

End of the Year Analysis Overview

  1. Reflect back on this past year, what really mattered to you? What was the most important moments, experiences, from 2017?

  2. Reflect back on the changes you would like to make in your life. This isn’t about regrets, it’s about noticing where you are physically, where you are emotionally, and calling attention to the changes you would like to make in your life

  3. Stop Doing List: what in your life is completely out of whack? What could you stop doing to change that? What do you want to let go of and not bring with you into 2018?

  4. Gratitude. Gratitude because it brings everything into perspective. Bringing forthw hat in your life you are grateful for allows you to notice all the beauty that surrounds you, be sure to claim why you’re grateful, specificity creates more abundance within your gratitude.

My End of the Year Analysis

Reflect back...what really mattered about this past year

  • Pushing my practice forward

  • Moving in with my beloved, I love the life we’ve built, and continue building together and I look forward to many more memories with him

  • Making progress on writing my book

  • Feeling like I’m on a path of creation

 

What do I want to change both about where I’m at physically and emotionally

  • Continue to hold space for myself as I heal my own wounds and scars

  • Eliminate stressing about money

  • My calendar: it often feels burdensome, I’d like to allow more time for me to be creative with my time

  • Physically, I’d like to make progress on finding a spacious house, with a backyard, a healing center, additional rooms for my family to grow into, more storage and closet space

 

Stop Doing list // What’s out of WHACK that I don’t want to bring into the New Year...

  • Negative self talk and this layer of soft rage I give to myself (emotionally, physically, the works!)

  • Comparison Syndrome and/or Competing Syndrome

  • Procrastinating on standing big, expanding into my light

  • Texting and driving

  • Eating dairy and gluten

  • Letting other people decide if I’m doing a good job or not

  • Harking on my man

  • Complaining about having a lack of time

  • Saying, or feeding the energy of “lack of money” in any way shape or form

  • My sleep schedule, continue to allow myself 8 hours, and go to bed reasonable times so that I can get that

  • Continue with exercise I have been on for the last few weeks

 

Conscious Gratitude, be specific and explain why

  • I’m exceedingly grateful for my mobility because it’s how I’m able to be creative, how I express myself when I’m feeling heavy, it’s how I sweat and improve how I feel about my body, it’s how I connect with nature having my feet on the ground and feeling the earth inside me

  • The deepest of gratitude for my Breathwork practice and my Breathwork community because they help me feel me, they make me feel open, loved, they help me reconnect with me and remind me, without even saying a word, of my own authenticity

  • Love. because love is what has gotten me through my darkest days. Love with people, from people, love with the world, with nature, it’s love of myself knowing when to listen and when to help myself. Love.

ENJOY THE LAST FEW WEEKS, DAYS OF 2017, AND KNOW THAT WHEREVER YOU ARE, IS RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE TO BE. YOU’RE DOING GREAT, AND THERE’S ONLY MORE GROWTH AND EVOLUTION TO COME!

Loving the Way I FEEL AND What I Eat!

I love food, I always have. I love food the way it tastes, I love food that is good for me, I love the sociability, the act of getting together over a delicious meal, I love enjoying food with other people, but mostly, I just love food that tastes good. When I decided to go on a detox almost three months ago now, it was because I knew something needed to change in my life. I had completely become unaware of what I was putting in my body, and I knew I was beyond dieting. I needed support in changing my relationship to food. 

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Over these last three months, I can feel my relationship to food evolving. I do still crave cheese, and I’m not sure anything, losing weight, any feeling, clarity or otherwise would be enough to make me not crave cheese, but I don’t crave it as much as I did in the beginning. And, I definitely don’t sugar as much anymore. I’ve curbed the sugar habit quite strongly actually, and that feels really good. I saw people eating chocolate chip cookies on their plates at a meeting the other evening, and although I kind of wanted one, at the same time, I really didn’t care. I cared more about wanting the tuna and mayo sandwiches than anything which is so funny. I just miss mayo. I know people aren’t supposed to miss that because we all know it’s so bad for us that people just cut it out, but I do, I miss it and I know how bad it is for me but I still miss it.

My mother has always used to ask me, “you really NEED to have each and every meal you eat absolutely delicious don’t you?” and I really did because I’ve always felt like why the fuck not? This is the one life I get to live and I want to enjoy food. Now, I don’t want to be obese and I don’t want to be overweight so I can’t fully overindulge, at least the way I have been, but I do still want to enjoy my meals. And if that means enjoying french fries, then I'm going to order some! But on this detox I've had to find alternatives to french fries, other foods that could potentially fulfill part of the craving so I wasn't left feeling deprived, while also not filling my body up with fried foods. Luckily, I really am enjoying my meals with the way I've been cooking. For Thanksgiving I even made homemade dairy, gluten and soy free mashed potatoes, stuffing, AND gravy. And to add to the mix, I made a dairy, gluten and soy free creamed corn casserole dish to share with my whole family and everyone loved it! There wasn’t even any leftovers the next day of the vegan dish that I brought to the family dinner! It really was an incredible experience to have a delicious Thanksgiving feast, and yet not feel like I was missing out on anything. AND, the best part, I didn’t hate my body or how I felt the next day.

Figuring out how to eat meals elsewhere, going out and at friends houses, has not always been fun, but it certainly has been an interesting challenge. What’s really fun is when I find a meal, or create a meal that is absolutely delicious, and yet it has no cheese and an incredibly healthy balance of proteins, vegetables and little to no starches or carbs. That feels like true accomplishment! Tasting the detailed flavors in zucchini, squash, brussels sprouts, and really enjoying the flavor/addition of olive oil in a way I never really noticed before, actually feels a little embarrassing to admit. Mixed in with this embarrassment is pride because I finally feel like I’m treating my body the way it should be treated and I'm enjoying food along the way! I’m proud of where I stand with this shift I’m making, and I love the way I feel. And that, is without a doubt, the best part of my changing relationship with food, loving the way I feel!

Shifting The Energy Around My Relationship with Food

To set the stage, for the last 2.5 months, I have been on a full body detox. That means for 2 months I removed alcohol, coffee, dairy, gluten, refined sugar, and most carbs and starches. Contrary to what you may be thinking now, I actually have been okay without all of this. There are certainly some stories, late night cravings, intense realizations, but generally, I've been doing just fine. More to come on the 2.5 months, my experiences, my food journaling etc. but for this, I want to talk about my relationship with food. 

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Shifting the energy around my relationship with food has been a lot harder than the 10 pounds I’ve lost. It’s harder than saying no to the cheese quesadilla with a flour tortilla {I know I’m such a daredevil} that I’m craving so much. It’s harder than all these things because this is about changing the way I feel and think about myself.

I preach a lot of SELF LOVE, both to my students in my own profession, and for myself as a way to ensure I still feel, am connected to me on a daily basis. I believe I have a solid foundation of self love, however, when it comes to my body I’m used to always being overly critical. I look back at pictures of myself when my beloved and I first started dating, {about 4 years ago now} and I think wow I was skinny and looked good then. And yet I KNOW for a fact, when that picture was taken, I remember looking at it thinking I was overweight. Changing this energy around my relationship with food and what I think about myself is and has been the hardest part of these last few months of this nutrition detox. I’ll stand in a beer garden, at the local pub all day with people drinking and eating fries around me if it meant I didn’t have to work so damn hard on shifting this energy, but then again, so it goes.

In an effort to continue shifting this energy, I’m to come up with a different name for my Fat Jeans. You know, the pants you bought and the only pants you wear now because you’re a solid 15 pounds fatter than you’ve ever been, and the rest of your pants don’t fit but you refuse to buy any more pants because you will eventually fit into all the rest of the wardrobe again. No...Just me??  Okay, ya right. Anyway, my Fat Jeans. I had to roll them the other day! A full, complete roll just to keep them up, which was nothing less than FUCKING FANTASTIC! And yet, I’m still calling them my fat jeans. So, I’m coming up with a different name for my Fat Jeans and will feel the empowerment energy rather than the negative, self-deprecating talk energy.

Here’s my brainstorm:

Overweight Pants

Hefty Pants

Not Me Pants

Too Big Pants

Larger Pants

I think I’m getting better, kinder to me as this goes on. I’ll keep going…

Holey Baggy Pants

Boyfriend-Looking Jeans

Attractive-On-Me Jeans (I think I’m meant to be a wardrobe namer)

Comfy, Sexy Baggy Jeans

Sexy Jeans!

I feel good about the direction of that list and can feel the energy shifting inside me even as I just write out new potential names for these jeans. Here is to an ever growing, ever changing, but mostly ever evolving healthy relationship with food!

Talking to Our Inner Little BadAss

Source:  Tumblr

Source: Tumblr

When that movie “Inside Out” came out, I walked out of the theatre with my family smiling from ear to ear. “Genius!” My sister screamed, “that was absolutely genius!” I’m not going to lie as much as I loved that movie, I was also a little jealous. I was jealous because years prior, I’m talking a solid 8 years prior to this movie, I had told a friend, when I was living in Spain about the little girl that lives inside my head. I was jealous because I had been meaning to write about this little girl, to tell people about it in some way and I felt like this movie stole the idea from inside my body. Elizabeth Gilbert talks about the power of this in her book “Big Magic” how this is how it works with creative ideas. That if you have a creative idea you need to execute on it, otherwise the idea will travel to someone else and they will execute it. Ideas want to be born, and that’s what happened. Although in truth, my idea was, still is, very different, it was rooted in the same thinking that there were little people inside our heads helping us live our life.  

This little girl that lives inside my head, holds the very important job of managing me. She manages my mind, my thoughts, my emotions, my experiences, my memories, in essence, she manages everything that happens with my mind because that’s her job. She spends her days driving around in my mind on a fork-lift filing away memories, thoughts, emotions, storing different experiences, all with the intention of helping me keep them all straight. If I forget I’ve met someone before, and the name escapes, or I’ve forgotten a key memory, or I just can’t seem to recall an experience, it’s because my little girl either took the day off, was taking a nap, on her lunch break, meditating or maybe had a little too much to drink, which sometimes happens, and the memory was filed in the wrong cabinet, or it fell to the floor {I don’t think it’s all that organized in my head}. I certainly don’t blame my little girl, she has a very exhausting job, managing me and all, and she really is quite good at her job.

Over the years, I’ve built/am building a deeper relationship with her. Everything I experience, she experiences too, and to the tenth degree because it’s her job to help me manage the experience. All the sadness that my body processes, she feels too. When I fight with my beloved, she feels it too. When I’m flourishing and ecstatic about the evolution of my job, she’s up there jumping up and down on her forklift chair. Everything I feel, she feels, and she always has my best interest at heart.

I spoke to her in a meditation session once. I saw her standing there, this time not in my head but in my belly, below my belly button deep in my sacral chakra. She was looking up at me with sad eyes. She wanted a hug. I hugged her, I told her I was listening, she nodded, she doesn’t say much, I do all the talking for us. I told her I know. I promised her I heard her wishes, and then I asked if I could have more time. She empathetically nodded, and we hugged. My body exploded with love in this embrace between us.

In that embrace she reminded me of one simple thing - LISTEN. Listen to my heart, listen to my deepest desires, listen to my body, listen to my emotions, listen to my intuition, listen to my inner little girl. We all have a little person inside of us just waiting to come out, to be discovered, to be listened to. They’re there as our companion, a friend to help us navigate the world, and they just want to be heard.

Feeling Feelings

“If you want to live an extraordinary life, you have to give up many of the things that are part of a normal one.” -Srinivas Rao medium.com

It's true. It's so true and yet we forget this truth in an effort to fit in, not stand out too much and to live a "normal" life. Although none of us truly know what normalcy really is I do know that normalcy is what you decide to make of it. Your normal can be as weird as all hell to your pal on your right, while their normal makes absolutely no sense to you. It doesn't matter. You live your life by the definitions you choose but the one thing you cannot stop, or decide to live without is feelings.

Feeling feelings. It's the worst of times, it's the best of times. When we're happy, feeling our feelings is incredible, we think nothing of it and embrace the happiness with our everything. When we're sad, when someone hurts us, when we hurt ourselves, when we hide our feelings, pushing them way down to the dark abyss that is our bodies, we're emotionally stunting ourselves at a place in life when these emotions happened. Everything after that is a result of not allowing feelings to be felt.

They say time heals all wounds. I believed and sometimes still believe in this. But what's to be said about letting time pass? About allowing the pain and the wounds to dissipate, {if they do} until you find that one day you're simply floating through the motions that are your life? What then? Do we allow for time to continue to pass even though the time that has passed has yet to have healed the wounds? Sure the wounds might have gotten better but the pain doesn't dissipate. 

Balance. It's a balance, it's always a balance. Life is a balance and when we live in harmonious balance with taking action to drive our lives forward, to heal us, AND give control and power to the Universe allowing it to lead us, that's when the magic happens. It's true when we're speaking about our lives, about love, and it's especially true when we're feeling feelings. 

Sometimes there is no action you can take to make yourself feel better. There's certainly a lot of action we can take to numb our pain, {insert your device of choice here} but there isn't always a devised plan ready for you to step into to soothe the pain and when that happens, the only way out is to FEEL your FEELINGS.

I know I want to live an extraordinary life and if this means giving up my expectations of what to do with pain, of what to do with the difficult emotions, I'm all in. I give myself permission to let it all be felt, to cry in the car when it comes, AND to laugh erratically at a grocery store. It will all come through and that to me, is creating the parameters for me to live an extraordinary life. 

Feel your feelings. Give space for healing. Take action. Believe. Give space for healing. Let go. Live in balance. Give space for healing. Live. Live. Keep living.

FLICKR.com/stevosshots

FLICKR.com/stevosshots

Play with Our Inner Child

Our to-do lists are important. They keep us on track, move us towards our goals, expanding us beyond our wildest dreams and usually, they help us get things done. But lately, my to-do list has become a block to my creativity. I have so much on this list, all of which are important, all of which will move my business forward, that I’m leaving no room for creative expression, for movement, for play. My inner child has been screaming at me in more ways than one and I was so blinded by my to-do list, I heard nothing. Well, let’s be honest here, clearly I CHOSE not to hear her. It felt unproductive listening to her. Taking a nap in the middle of the day, going to look at the ocean and reading a book, drawing, writing, dreaming up what my new apartment would look like, that would all take up too much time, and none of which would grant me the satisfaction of checking off a box on my list.

Today is the first day in weeks where I’ve begun to feel energized and I can’t help but notice that last night, and this morning, I let my inner child create. After a day of feeling the intensified emotions of everything going on astrologically and internally, last night I finally decided to tap into the energy of this Full Moon and Lunar Eclipse and use my hands. I began by remaking my vision board, getting really clear with my order for the Universe even leaving spaces for the things I don’t yet see and know will be given structure soon. Then I went to sleep, utterly exhausted and fully surrendering to the hours my body was asking for. No alarm, I awoke and pushed myself out to work out outside. Energized by the movement, I came back and finished putting together my desk space. I hung pictures I used to not know where they would go, and I created a working environment filled with flowers, color and magic that made my little girl smile from ear to ear.

Despite the amount of time it took, and despite the part of me that felt extremely insecure about how many hours I technically clocked in for today, once I was done and I sat down to write my emails and get the necessities done for the day, my body feels like a different body than it has been. It’s as if listening to my inner child, giving myself permission to exist with her fully for the last 3 hours gave the rest of my body permission to thrive in my work again.

I’m working on listening to her, my inner child, when she wants to play, stopping to play, when she wants to cry, letting her cry. It will take reminding, but knowing that I will thrive even more than I could imagine if I listen to her, if I give myself permission to JUST BE with her, is my motivation. That, and who am I to deny a girl who’s asking for a night of Disney movies?! As I write this I notice a soft pink haze in the skyline, and my girl’s let me know she’s quite pleased as pink is her favorite color. Ew, my mind thinks, I am so not a pink person. But I guess PINK it will be for you sweet girl.

My Judgement Triggered Shame

After watching Brene Brown’s TED talk on Vulnerability, it got me thinking about shame and my experiences with it. As I was about to write-it all off thinking - “I’m just not the type of person whose experienced shame”, an interaction I had been involved in blew up. Instantly I was infuriated, all parts of my body were triggered and I could feel myself jump towards self defense. Luckily, before acting on any of those protective mechanisms, I recognized what was happening immediately and was able to calm myself down and dissect the situation at hand. What hit me hard was the realization that I was swimming in a pool of judgement, both for myself and externally.

Judgement shows up in many various forms, and often when our conscious minds choose judgement as an initial thought, we might not even recognize the sensation as judgement. It got me thinking, as these types of self-help analysis moments do, and I realized that no matter what type of judgement is being experienced, all types can be connected back to self insecurities. Maybe that’s a mind blower, or maybe you’ve learned this a long time ago, either way, stay with me for a moment…

We experience judgement in a number of ways, these three came top of mine for me: 1) because of actions someone else is doing/has done that you don’t like, 2) experiencing judgement because of external circumstances that have nothing to do with you, or 3) feeling judgement sparked because of jealousy. Every single one of these judgement experiences are correlated directly with secondary emotions. Judgement itself is a secondary emotion. As a result, all can be tied back to something you judge, something you don’t like or something you’re insecure about, within yourself.

I consider myself a fairly awake individual. I can feel when my body or mind is not grounded, I have a great set of tools to use that help be get grounded, or reconnect with my body when I’m off kilter, I even teach Meditation in many different forms, and yet I find myself still in a battle with judgement. And yet even consciously knowing this and subconsciously being aware of what sits behind judgement, I still find it extremely difficult to have an awareness of the judgement as it comes up, so that I can recognize what insecurity it may be triggering.

In my Breathwork Meditation sessions, we work to release negative emotions, to release stories that we’ve given permission to to define us so we can choose to come from love, from our  connected, authentic selves. Because judgement sits behind so many other primary emotions, I find it hard to connect with judgement, so that I may release it, in my own practice. Judgement for me is typically triggered at unexpected times throughout life and although I know that my own practice continues to help me create an awareness around when it’s being triggered, I have yet to master the tools that allow me to practice a ‘feel it and release meditation’ in each moment.

Even the most enlightened individuals must feel judgement at some point in their lives, right? Is judgement something that everyone feels, or experiences at some point? I’m not even sure this should matter, but the self-judgement that comes up when my judgement of others comes up, hits me hard. I don’t like that piece of me, and I feel a deep sense shame when it does surface. I’m a teacher, I’m a guide, I’m a facilitator or truth, of light, how can I feel judgement? It’s even terrifying imagining putting this piece out in the world, like I’m exposing something of myself that once it’s known, people will think I’m a fraud. Maybe that’s just it, work on my own self-judgement and I’ll more deeply understand the judgement that comes up for me with others. As my teacher David Elliott says… “A judgement I have about you that’s really about me is….”

I vow to continue bringing awareness to judgement when she rears her ugly, (or sometimes pretty in a self-righteous kind of way) head. In the moment, let judgement fill me up, fully recognize that it is a secondary emotion and allow the true emotion behind the judgement to surface. Feel that completely circulating throughout my body, and then move on.

Awareness is everything.

Poems for the Self-Discoverer

By: Jenna Michelle Reiss

Alive

That was the thing about her,

Her dream following was contagious, her desire for more, for the authentic life was inspirational to many and necessary to her.

The catharsis of relief when she was HER was all she knew,

Some call it selfish, she called it unstoppable.

That was the thing about her, she was stripped vulnerable, she was REAL.

 

Me

Today I choose to be ME

The ME who is strong yet working with her own softness.

The ME who strives to achieve and remain filled with inspiration.

The creative ME who dreams visions to life

The ME who chooses my essence above all else.

The ME who falls back to habitual ways of being yet refuses to stay there always searching for the footing in my more evolved state.

The ME who knows and comfortably lives in the world of vulnerability while also struggles to feel.

The ME who despises vulnerability if it means negativity.

The ME who is my shadow.

Me, light worker, truth handler with drops of self-righteous judgement, I choose ME because there’s no one else I’d rather be.

Via:  Pinterest

To the fear that lives in the back of my throat -

First of all, thank you. Thank you for trying so hard to ensure that you always look out for me. I know you see this as protecting me and your tactics have protected me many times in the past, especially from making that terribly rash, emotionally driven decision. With what I'm doing now though, you can trust me. I got you. I'm going to make this work for us because I know I'm in flow with the Universe. The Universe is supporting me, supporting us and it will always lead us down the right path. I can promise you this fear. Of course along the way if you have any questions, ask me! I'm an open book and I'm more than happy to answer anything I can to the best of my ability. I know understanding helps soothe you. I might not always know all the answers though, and when I say I don't know yet, trust that I'm exploring it. Really know that in these cases, I'm usually asking the exact same questions, and I trust, I know, that when my body knows the answer and is ready for my mind to catch up, I'll be listening. And then fear, you will be the first to know what I know. 

You haven't been driving my life for some time now, but I sure know that this is a first for us. Don't feel defeated. I truly am grateful for your protection, for helping me hear you when it's time to listen - but in this part of my life, curiosity, motivation and most of all my passion are driving. I know that is tough to hear so here is what I promise to you fear - 

  • I promise to lean in to you when it's what's right

  • I promise to listen, to surrender when it's the right time for you to speak

  • I promise to make decisions from my body

  • I promise to always make sure that my instincts are listened to and I hope you find some reassurance with that 

  • I promise to always do Breathwork so that I'm hearing from you, and so I know the difference between listening to you and reacting on it

  • I promise to still my mind and watch my thoughts as a practice to keep me open 

  • Most of all, I promise to be true to me, to my authentic self. 

That's the life we're going to live together. Until we speak again...

All my love,
Jenna

Self-Care Saturday!

Self-Care has been top of mind for me recently, and as it seems to be, when topics get pushed to the forefront of my attention, it’s usually because I am being forced to face the issues myself. So, to lay all my cards on the table, I have not been taking care of myself. The other week I had about 7 different emotional breakdowns varying from understandable breakdowns, rationales I or my boyfriend could make sense of or at least comprehend where they were coming from, communication breakdowns, all the way to unreasonably dramatic, rollercoaster breakdowns. It was a fun ride, (said sarcastically in case you couldn’t tell) and probably more than anyone else, really fun for my boyfriend! Unable to see clearly through this haze, my boyfriend kindly suggested I go to bed earlier one night. It was the smallest change to make, so clear, so simple and yet I wasn’t even able to see that this was a possible solution that could start helping me feel better. Being that I was blindly leading myself further down instead of helping myself in anyway, it became clear to me that when the breakdowns become excessive or the clarity becomes obsolete, that I need to take that as a sign that I am in need of giving myself some tender love and care.

Self-Care – what this means to me is doing something that makes your soul sing, or at least makes you feel good, peaceful and loved. When you can feel peace in your body, you feel stability and balance in your life as opposed to balancing the imperfections. It can be the simplest action, just as long as you feel good while you’re doing it, and you notice you feel good afterwards because that’s the true sign of taking care of yourself.

Sometimes self-care is back to the basics- get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, follow your routine. Once you’ve started doing the basics for you again, you can start to think about what other self-caring methods are out there for you to tap into, to introduce to your life. Since my last breakdown last Thursday, I have been doing everything I can to balance my imperfections. Here are just 5 simple things I’ve been doing to take to better care of myself, and you can easily implement as well without massively disrupting your life. In other words, try some, or at least one, of these out and see if any work for you. If not, develop your own manageable yet soul-filling self-care methods.

1.     Working out: Moving my body in some way always reminds me that I care about myself. I’ve taken a cycling class, gone to the gym and read a good book on the elliptical, gone for a walk around the block with a girlfriend, and taken a yoga class. I’m moving myself, breaking a sweat at least once a day. It really doesn’t matter what type of movement or work-out you do, and you certainly don’t have to force yourself to run if you simply don’t like running. Move your body in some way way, whether that’s your favorite kick-boxing class, a yoga class, or just a walk around the block, move your body in some way to push the body to feel healthy again

2.     Meditating: Close your eyes, let your feet touch the floor, and quiet the mind. I know quieting the mind seems near impossible with the 60 thousand thoughts a day we have as humans, but start practicing just getting quiet, being quiet and recognizing what your thoughts are, where your mind is going. Meditating allows for the nervous system to slow, for the default mode to slow down and recognize the appropriate response to have as opposed to reactionary responses. Neurologically, it physically shrinks the amgydala, the part of your brain that holds stress. 

3.     Eating better: this doesn’t have to mean eat perfectly. This doesn’t have to mean you aren’t allowed to eat chocolate, or have that delicious plate of pasta. It just means be a little better. Make a smoothie in the morning, put a few cups of greens in because you know you aren’t eating enough greens. Be aware of what you’re putting in your mouth on a daily basis, snacks included, and eat what feels good to the body.

4.     Journaling: Too many people believe that because they aren’t a writer, journaling isn’t necessary, or just isn’t something that they do. I say, so you’re not a writer, all the better! You can get your “SFD – Shitty First Drafts” as Brenee Brown calls them, out on paper, you word vomit all over a notebook that only you see and you give yourself relief from the words, relief from the stories allowing yourself to no longer be defined by them, or at least open yourself up to the process of no longer letting them control your life.

5.     Have Fun! These last few weeks, I was so busy focusing on all the things I needed to get done, the boxes I needed to unpack, the things we had to buy to make this place a home, so focused on my own to-do list for the 3 different jobs I’m managing right now, that I forgot how fun it is to just have fun! I forgot how freeing it can be to let lose with people you love, giggle, vent, stay up too late laughing! I forgot that I have the power to create the balance between my having fun, and my productivity. So, I’m proud to say that all weekend long last weekend, I had fun, and did not unpack or touch a single thing in this new home!

So self-care Saturday is becoming a thing in my household! Basically this just means I am empowering myself, and those I love to take care of themselves and do one take, take one manageable action for yourself every single Saturday. Whether that’s a simple work out, a few minutes of alone time, some deep breaths in the fresh air, or something bigger like a hike, or a day trip, DO YOU. Only when we take care of ourselves do we open ourselves up to happier, healthier and more balanced lives. If you're intrigued by all this, I have a Self-Care Saturday workshop coming up in April where we'll be gathering strong, inspiring, loving women to support one another to give ourselves some self-care and attention! You can see more event details here. 

Breathing Beauty

Today, I, like so many other beautiful, smart, intelligent people in the world, feel extremely sad. In my heart of hearts I know love prevails, it always prevails, but today I personally needed a reminder of this in order for my sadness to be overcome with hope and for my tears to be replaced with love. I thought maybe others could use this as well so I’m sharing a list I put together. A list of beautiful things I know to be good and true to remind my soul that there is so much beauty in the Universe.

1.     Friendships. Everlasting, supportive and loving friendships.

2.     Music. The sweet sounds of instrumentals resonating with your mood, letting you know you aren’t alone.

3.     The ocean. The ocean’s healing powers permeate into those just sitting and looking at it.

4.     The trees, forests. Life is grand. It is tall, strong, withstanding and grand. We still get to walk amongst the trees and the forests and feel a connection to our purpose on this Earth.

5.     Mother Nature. She paints the sky pink, blue, and purple. She gives us shelter, water, protection.

6.     Women. The powerful goddess who gives life to little humans, who can’t stop, won’t stop living life and acting like a BOSS.

7.     Sisterhood. Real family blood bonds and the sisterhood between two unrelated souls who just understand one another, who support one another.

8.     The flow of the Universe. It’s humorous, gentle and yet pushy in all the right ways pushing us to be our best, to follow our souls deepest desires.

9.     Passion. Butterflies in your stomach, fire burning inside, follow your dreams passion

10. Love. Love with yourself, love for others, love for the world around us. Authentic, pure, no expectations kind of love. 

Avenue of the Unknown

When the path ahead, the answers, are not so clear, your body gets overwhelmed by fear, angst and other negative emotions. We then become paralyzed by fear of this unknown path and end up sitting in the space of no action because that is way more comfortable than diving into the avenue of the unknown.

But what if we took some sizeable step into that path instead? What if, even if we couldn’t see where it was leading, we took some type of step, the step that feels right for right now? Would we fall into the big dark black abyss? Maybe. Would we die? Likely not.

It’s okay not to know exactly what to do right now. It’s okay to guess at what that next step might be. You’re probably not going to die with whatever step you do end up taking, and when you take a manageable step towards something, even if you don’t know what that something may be, you’re putting yourself out there to be in flow with the Universe. You’re showing the world, instead of just telling it, that you are ready to manifest change. Manageable can be anything that pushes you outside your comfort zone, but doesn’t have to be as dramatic as the end result. If you’re looking for a new job, it could be beginning the search in fields that interest you, it doesn’t have to mean quitting your day-job right now. If you’re wanting a change in location but moving terrifies you, it could mean booking a trip to a city that interests you and trying to set up a few interviews while you’re there. You’re throwing things out there, just to see what may stick. All we have to do is take a small step towards that manifestation, and the Universe will be by your side, supporting you.

If we instead stay hidden in the safety of our own shadow, we block the Universe out. It doesn’t have a way to help us. It can’t push you into action, you have to do something to show you’re going to take it seriously, to show the Universe that you want to work with the it, be friends with, and flow through life happier than you were before. I promise you the Universe wants to help you. There is a flow there, just waiting for you to jump in, but there is nothing the Universe can do to help throw you into the flow if you aren’t willing to take a step towards it.
Ask the Universe questions to help you better understand your path, where you are right now. Be open to the ways in which the Universe will respond to you. Once you open yourself up to the possibility that the Universe is your friend, once you cultivate an appreciation for the flow of the Universe and jump right now, that’s when you really start living.
Let’s go, jump in, your life is waiting to be lived.

Forgiveness

We all have the ability to forgive.

The ability to feel forgiveness in your soul and allow your body to accept forgiveness is a strength not a weakness. When you accept forgiveness you set yourself free. You liberate your body, making room for other life to enter – happy life, joyous life, magical life can take the space in your body instead of the non-forgiving grudge that was taking over before.

When you forgive that doesn’t mean the pain goes away. That is okay. Choose forgiveness anyway because your heart, your body, doesn’t want to live in that pain, or be defined by that pain. And you don’t have to be. When you choose forgiveness you are choosing love. You are choosing you and your own happiness above all else. The pain can be worked through, and little by little you will release the pain of your experience and you will see beauty again. The beauty is allowed to shine through when you are not clouded by the tight grasp you have on your anger.

I know, trust me, I understand. Something happened to you that is unforgiveable. But what if you chose to forgive anyway? What if you choose forgiveness and your life moves forward positively, in sync with the Universe because you’re not allowing the pain, the anger, the unforgiving nature to define you anymore?

Choose LOVE.

Choose YOU.

Forgive and watch your heart open to a lighter, brighter more colorful and magical world.

The Good, the Shedding and the Insights of Breathwork

Breathwork has always been transformative for me. Between breaking down emotional barriers, moving and releasing, stuck negative energies, and receiving intuitive messages, the personal growth alone has transformed me. Growth like this can often times be sad. You are shedding a part of who you who has always been there, and it can be difficult to say goodbye to that person. At the same time, it’s also beautiful because you’re accepting a future self - a version of you that you don’t quite know yet but are growing into.

There are days where you’re stuck in the emotional turmoil or fear of the unknown and it can be difficult to feel or see the beauty in your growth. It can be difficult to see what is next. On these days, the days where I feel a stronger sense of sadness or frustration and angst saying goodbye to an old self, I work hard to acknowledge myself. A dear friend taught me this - Acknowledge yourself for something you did great that day, that week, or something you’re proud of yourself for. Take the time to acknowledge something positive about you. I find that this self-acknowledgement has the capacity to remind me of my own wondrous and magical self.

On the days I can feel myself fully embracing and stepping into the new me, I feel invigorated, loved and supported by myself and everyone around me. It is typically on these days that I have receive messages. The messages come in various forms, sometimes magical, or storytelling, and oftentimes they are undecipherable. When I struggle understanding something, I write it down immediately following the message. The visions typically come to me in snippets, quick stories or scenarios, and I’m sure to write them down exactly as what I remember.

The owner of the dolls was not an attractive by societal standards type of woman. She had dark features, olive skin and was shorter than 5 foot. She walked around the town, every town at some point, with a smile on her face. She seemed to be smiling joyously at the world around her no matter what was happening. That was the most interesting and beautiful thing about her – her joy.  So when I saw her with her dolls I wasn’t scared, or turned away by her outward unattractiveness. I was instead drawn in closer to her magnetic joy. Being shown her dolls brought me peace. I understood why immediately when she held them together, one doll pressing into the back of the other doll, hair beautifully mixing together in a melting pot kind of way. They were both her, not parts of one and parts of the other, but both of the dolls were an exact representation of who she was. The beauty lies in her confident joy, the ability to strongly proclaim the connection she has with both dolls, the innate characteristics of the dolls that are her. I left our encounter feeling peaceful and joyous through the contagiousness that was her own. I am thankful to the Universe for bringing her to me and even more thankful that she will bring her message onto others.

You can be defined by any standards you want to be defined by.

This is the majestic thing about Breathwork. Through all the growth, the shedding, and the insights, you’re constantly learning new things about yourself. I am excited about this one in particular, albeit I don’t have understanding into it’s power quite yet.

I have eyes that can see inwards. My eyes can see inwards, they can see inside my own body. When I’m looking out at the world around me, even through physically closed eyes, there’s lightness, a mellow, day-time lightness to all the visions I see. When I’m looking inside myself, inside my own body, there is a darkness to all the visions. I watched everything happening inside my body today, analyzed it, understood it energetically and then I left, and my eyes opeedn to the outside world. I never saw organs, or blood pumping through, or yawns happening, just saw the energy flow and the attitude that was inside me. There was nothing scary about this new superpower, it felt really good to be able to see inside myself, comfortably, understandably. 

The second time this power came to be, I saw a small, luminous purple light pop into my head, flashing lightly before my eyes. Then the dark tint came over my eyes and I was again seeing inside my body. This had been releasing anger and impatience energies. I had been crying, frustrated, shaking, and yet when I looked inside, I saw that I really am okay. My insides are all ok, they know I’m doing the work to release what I need to, and my body is grateful for that.

Thank you eyes seeing inwards.

Breathwork always leaves me feeling clearer, more level-headed, slightly stronger, and with a bigger heart. When visions come to me, it’s the clearest I’ve ever been, the most open-hearted I’ve ever felt and the most willing to change I will ever be.  Every time I work with the breath for me, it is different. Being open to the opportunities, to the growth, accepting the messages for what they are and trusting in the process is the most important thing. It allows you to go deeper than ever before, and connect more methodically with the flow of the Universe.

Hello Fear...

You are welcome to join me but you will not be driving.

Love, 
Jenna Michelle

As I continue working on my breathwork journey, developing my at home practice, joining and starting my own classes and workshops in LA and powering through my self-test of a 30 day breathwork challenge, my self–awareness has grown significantly. The most important element to share is as I go through my own personal healing with breathwork, I realize that I have the power to choose love, and I do choose love. 

I choose not to be defined by my stories while also accepting that I still feel some of the pain that the stories have left me with. Feeling that pain doesn’t mean it defines me. It only means, I accept that the pain is there, and I am actively working on releasing that pain from my body through a consistent breathwork practice, that allows my body to move the stuck negative filled entities.

These entities are strong energies and have stood in my body confidently for years now believing that they rule me. They are pain, fear, even self-loathing sometimes. They drive from a fear-based perspective, not from a critical thought or loving perspective. They are truly only there for self-protection, but they don’t know that. They think they are doing the right thing, filling my body up with all this “self-protection”. I am aware of that, I am aware of them.

I recognize you fear based entities and I do appreciate the defense mechanism you are creating for me so that I don’t get hurt, but the truth is, getting hurt is a part of life. I don’t want to be driven by this fear you’ve instilled in me and I am no longer giving you that power. This doesn’t mean I don’t hear you. This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate your work within my body to remind me of what I have been through. That is a part of who I am. You can be a part of who I am too, a story from my past, and I can and will, move on without being defined by you.

Soon enough, I will begin to release the pain and start letting go of these entities. It won’t happen all at once, it will take time, effort and significant diligence, but it can be done. It will be done. Then one day, the entities will move on, they will disperse and make room for new life inside my body.

Until that day comes when they leave me for good, I can make the conscious decision to choose a life driven by my creativity, by my inspiration, by my love. It’s OK that I still feel the pain from my stories, some days stronger than others. I recognize that it will take time for this pain to subside, for this sadness dissolve. I will say hello to it some days, be aware of it and then choose love.

I choose to be driven by my love for the world, my love for kindness, for truth. I choose to live my life from my most natural state, love, and I choose to make this choice every single day. For that, thank you Universe. I can feel you speaking to me, giving me guidance forward to follow my truest and highest self. Knowing that you’re there, that you have my back no matter what, is the best feeling in the world. That’s how I can thank fear for being there, for it’s support, but no thank you because I am choosing love. So see you later fear, you will not be driving me anymore.