Don't let your wounds hold you back from change

Our wounds get triggered time and time again until we heal. That’s not to say that your wounds then go away, or that there is even a state of “heal-ED” to be in. (spoiler alert:: There’s not.) But the work that you do in healing allows you to time and time again, revisit the parts of yourself you have been rejecting. The parts of yourself that are screaming for your attention. The parts of yourself that have deeper healing work to go. 

I laid down for breathwork this week and screamed out all the judgements I was holding about myself. Judgements that I thought I had healed. The realization wasn’t that in fact I had not healed, or taken steps on my journey. It was quite the opposite in fact. It was that I had shed a layer of judgements, worked through them and the Universe was showing me the ones that I was ready to move through next. A disappointment I had recently experienced, an opportunity for my practice was suddenly gone and though on one hand I could truly hold the knowledge that this was meant to be. I could hold the feeling that this was the right move for both parties. The other hand held a lot of fears, a lot of judgements. This was the hand that began spiraling feelings through my body, not my mind, suggesting, questioning that the limiting beliefs I held about myself must be true. With the wounds activated in my body, the questions began: uh-oh, does this mean that you are not in fact worthy of all that you desire? Does this mean that you are not worthy, period.

Of course the answers are false. But sometimes in the moment of any big emotion or big disappointment, there’s a space where those questions might arise. 

One of the most magnificent parts of this experience for me was how in the exact moment I was holding disappointment, I was also holding deep trust in this being the right thing. Trust that this was happening for me. Trust that the Universe was helping me make space for something more. It was a surreal experience for the self I have come to know, a woman that moves through her emotions first, and lands on the side of understanding after. This time, they both felt equally true at the exact same moment. 

“Create space to feel what both hands are holding”, I heard from my inner-self.

And so I did. And less than 24 hours later, I’m okay. I’m holding myself through my wounds, loving the part of me that was afraid this was proof of her unworthiness. Pausing for reflection. Breathing into my heart. Meditating. Letting this be a deep self-love moment, not a time to jump back into life, but rather a time for my own healing. 

Healing is a reckoning with yourself. It is a life you choose time and time again. Even and especially when it gets hard. And let’s be real, without knowing your personal story of course, this whole year has been hard. There’s been a lot of good coming out of the hard already, but it’s still been hard nonetheless. Every moment can feel like a massive healing moment. Every experience an upheaval towards something we don’t yet know.

It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to be exhausted, to be scared. It’s okay to feel hopelessness. What we don’t have time for, is for you to sit in the hopelessness for too long. We are creating the change right now. We get to be a part of creating the vision that we want our future world to see, to be like.

Let’s not let our wounds, our disappointments, our pain hold us back from this change. Let’s hold space for the deep, big feelings in one hand. Let that be the hand that holds confusion, frustration, pain, fear, the unknown. The big feelings you’ll keep moving through time and time again. And in the other hand, hold trust. Hold a true belief, a deep inner knowing that this is going to get better, we are creating the better, and you get to be a part of it. 

Please rest as you need. Please look for moments of beauty, of joy. This is a rest so you can get back up and rejoin the fight. We need you.