Surviving the most joyful time of year.

The holidays are not joyful for everyone. Social media shows the best of our worlds, and consumerism would not thrive if marketing displayed the sadness that many of us feel during this time of year.

This time of year can be filled with extreme loss. Longing. Loneliness. Sadness, and confusion. It can bring feelings of resentment, envy. And these feelings can be so strong they can shake our beliefs at the very core making you question why your life is the way it is, why past pains have occurred, and even make you wonder if there even is anything, or anyone looking out for you at all.

If you are one of these people right now who are not riding the holiday high, you are not alone.

For many years I ran away during the holidays. I did not want to be in my hometown reminded of the way things used to be. I could not face all the memories, the tradition we had created that without certain people around, felt shattered. I was grieving the loss of life as I knew it, and it felt like a death. And so I ran. I don’t regret this. Running was what I needed to do to hold space for myself and the deep feelings of loss, sadness, and loneliness that crept over me throughout every moment during this time of year. So for more than 3 years when Thanksgiving came around, and it felt as though someone was punching me in the stomach repeatedly and I could never fully catch my breath let alone talk to others who were feeling the joy of the holiday, I ran.

Dealing with loss, with pain, with heartbreak, dealing with your life might simply feel like too much right now. And that’s okay. You don’t have to understand why you’re feeling the depth of what you’re feeling, and you don’t have to have a solution for feeling better. What is imperative for your heart though is to practice extreme self-kindness. I’m talking about whole-heartedly, selfishly doing just exactly what you need. Let everyone around you work through their own healing as it relates to your actions. If you come from love, are not intentionally cruel to anyone, speak truth into what your needs are, everyone who loves you will accept you and your needs. It might not be what they want, it might not be how they would deal with things, and they certainly might not understand, but their love for you will overpower. Tell them you love them, and you love yourself too, which is why you’re listening to your own needs. Tell them self-kindness means doing this thing, going to this place, acting this way, right now. They will love you the way they know how. And if you don’t show up for yourself during this time frame, your intense feelings will only intensify and you risk taking them out on those you love because you’re showing up for them and what they want and need, and forgetting about you.

To heal go to the root of your wound. Be with your pain, your discomfort and love yourself all the way through. Unconditional, life affirming self-love.

And if you are not ready to go to the root, that is okay. There is no shame in that, choose to sit with and around the love. Swim in, be around, hold yourself in, extreme love and kindness. Let others love you the way they know how. When you are ready to be at the root, you will. And there is no timeline or one path for when or how that happens.

There can absolutely be a lot of joy in the holiday, but if joy is not what you are feeling, until it returns again, and returns in a new kind of way, loving yourself unconditionally is the best support you can give yourself. And until that sunny, love filled, joyous time of year is re-created, may you never forget that you are not alone.