What can we do to make the world a better place?

That is the question I’ve been exploring since I was ten years old when I saw one of those commercials for sponsoring a child in third world countries. 

I still don’t know the answer. I just know that this is what I want to drive my souls purpose in 2020. This is the foundation behind everything that I do. I believe that we have the power to make this world a better place and we must stand in our power to do what we can. For ourselves, but mostly for the future generations who I hope we are paving the way for. This world must be left better than how I found it. I believe that is my duty, our duty. It must be more inclusive. More understanding of our differences. It must have space for the difficult questions for the exploration of our individuality. You don’t have to agree with one another, but you can treat people with love and kindness, and that can be how we make this world a better place. You as a human being on this Earth have a being-ness that is essential to you. And that something, that is your power to stand in. 

The world can feel like a dark, grim place at times. I stand in love more frequently than not but I absolutely can get disheartened with all the change we are in need of. It feels overwhelming at times.

Like I’m supposed to take care of my body, eat right, heal my emotional trauma, grow my business, meditate, forgive the people who have hurt me, eat organically even though it’s expensive, go trash-free, eliminate my use of plastic, raise a family, learn how to parent, teach them how to be good people while being the best person I can be, volunteer, and make this world a better place.

To name a few. It sometimes feels like really… I’m only awake for 98 hours a week, that’s 14 hours a day and that just does not feel like enough time for all that?! Truth be told, I don’t have a positive spin on this either. I don’t have a pretty little packaged bow to put on the end of this. What I can say is that we start by holding space for ourselves. You can hold space for you, do your part, be the best you you can be, and most importantly, let that be enough. 

My fiance said to me earlier, “you know, when I get disheartened with the world, I look at what you’re doing to make it a better place, and it makes me feel better.” (I know, how sweet, trust me, I cried) And that’s just it. We can all do our part. We can all show-up for ourselves, hold space for our own heart and all that we hold and maybe, if it’s meant to be, that change and betterment that we are, will ripple out into the world. Maybe it will, you will, even impact someone else in your life. 

We can all inspire someone else to do more, be better, stand in their power, step up, and listen more. But we can’t go changing the world if we’re not growing, learning, healing, holding space for ourselves first.

Photographer :: Samuel Elkins

Surviving the most joyful time of year.

The holidays are not joyful for everyone. Social media shows the best of our worlds, and consumerism would not thrive if marketing displayed the sadness that many of us feel during this time of year.

This time of year can be filled with extreme loss. Longing. Loneliness. Sadness, and confusion. It can bring feelings of resentment, envy. And these feelings can be so strong they can shake our beliefs at the very core making you question why your life is the way it is, why past pains have occurred, and even make you wonder if there even is anything, or anyone looking out for you at all.

If you are one of these people right now who are not riding the holiday high, you are not alone.

For many years I ran away during the holidays. I did not want to be in my hometown reminded of the way things used to be. I could not face all the memories, the tradition we had created that without certain people around, felt shattered. I was grieving the loss of life as I knew it, and it felt like a death. And so I ran. I don’t regret this. Running was what I needed to do to hold space for myself and the deep feelings of loss, sadness, and loneliness that crept over me throughout every moment during this time of year. So for more than 3 years when Thanksgiving came around, and it felt as though someone was punching me in the stomach repeatedly and I could never fully catch my breath let alone talk to others who were feeling the joy of the holiday, I ran.

Dealing with loss, with pain, with heartbreak, dealing with your life might simply feel like too much right now. And that’s okay. You don’t have to understand why you’re feeling the depth of what you’re feeling, and you don’t have to have a solution for feeling better. What is imperative for your heart though is to practice extreme self-kindness. I’m talking about whole-heartedly, selfishly doing just exactly what you need. Let everyone around you work through their own healing as it relates to your actions. If you come from love, are not intentionally cruel to anyone, speak truth into what your needs are, everyone who loves you will accept you and your needs. It might not be what they want, it might not be how they would deal with things, and they certainly might not understand, but their love for you will overpower. Tell them you love them, and you love yourself too, which is why you’re listening to your own needs. Tell them self-kindness means doing this thing, going to this place, acting this way, right now. They will love you the way they know how. And if you don’t show up for yourself during this time frame, your intense feelings will only intensify and you risk taking them out on those you love because you’re showing up for them and what they want and need, and forgetting about you.

To heal go to the root of your wound. Be with your pain, your discomfort and love yourself all the way through. Unconditional, life affirming self-love.

And if you are not ready to go to the root, that is okay. There is no shame in that, choose to sit with and around the love. Swim in, be around, hold yourself in, extreme love and kindness. Let others love you the way they know how. When you are ready to be at the root, you will. And there is no timeline or one path for when or how that happens.

There can absolutely be a lot of joy in the holiday, but if joy is not what you are feeling, until it returns again, and returns in a new kind of way, loving yourself unconditionally is the best support you can give yourself. And until that sunny, love filled, joyous time of year is re-created, may you never forget that you are not alone.

You and your opinion, are not always right.

You and your opinion, are not always right.

Yes, that means that the way you believe the world to be, the way your life experiences have shaped you, the things that have helped you and the fire that roars inside you, is not going to be standalone truthful right for everyone. And, that is okay. You don’t need to fix anyone, and you don’t need to help them see your way. You have your people, your community, your fellow light beamers that you lean on for support, and it’s okay to let other people have theirs.

I know this idea gets tricky when your belief systems are criticized or mocked. When you’re told you’re crazy, or that that the way you do something, or the belief you hold is “just not right”, I know it hurts. This is where you have a choice, an opportunity. You can choose to fight your way forward. Choose to push your perspective on another, choose to show them why your way is the right way, and feel like you’re living your life to prove something, always in the fight. Or you can fully and completely let go. If you let go I promise, you are in for a much happier life. 

For it’s in this place of letting go that you begin to rewire old stories, patterns within you. Letting go let’s you get out of your own head and into your body, into your heart. It’s where you’re able to soften into loving people with your whole heart, and letting them love you the way they know how. It’s a deeper acceptance of love. A kind of acceptance where you feel so fully and completely whole on your own that you don’t need your beliefs to be understood by anyone because you feel fully and completely understood by yourself. 

I spent a lot of time lately with people that are different than me. To say this has been a learning lesson for me, or a healing moment, is quite truly an understatement. A lifetime old wound of mine is a fear of not being accepted, of being called crazy. This is something I have heard time and time again in my life. So naturally, as it often goes with old wounds, we are faced with them once more until we do fully heal them. And it was in this place of total acceptance of my own being. A love so deep for myself that I carved out my time to breathe, to write, to be in the silence of nothing and recharge, that I was able to hear my inner voice whisper, “you don’t have to fix anyone.” I smiled, feeling the truth explode in my body, feeling the Universe cradle me in her magic, “and it’s okay if your opinion is different than theirs, there is nothing wrong with that,” she said.

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It’s in this place of letting go that you’re more able to show up for your family members, for your loved ones. Suddenly the way they know how to love you feels accepted, embraced even. You begin loving yourself the way you want, desire being loved. And when you do that, the opinion of others seems to drift away along with the fight to prove you’re right. This is where things get even more beautiful because now suddenly, others love you the way you deserve to be loved, suddenly they want to hear your perspective, be more open-minded themselves, and all because you’ve dropped the fight and chosen to love a little deeper.

And no matter where you are in this process, there you’ll sit more comfortable in your holiday chair, more full of love, and understanding around your differences, and maybe even in the difficulties, than you might have ever known possible.

It all starts with showing up for yourself, and embracing that you, your opinion does not have to always be right.

To love and accept others for who they are today

“I love and accept you for who you are today.” This is a line that has become quite potent in my life. It’s something that helps my partner in softening into our differences. It supports him in feeling loved for who he is today, without feeling like I am trying to change him. He has told me it gives him permission to be who he is while opening to the perspectives of others because he knows deep in his soul that nothing in or about his core being is being disrespected, but rather stands as different. 

My partner and I have many analytical conversations. Some conversations turn into eye opening truths for one or both of us. Others turn into fights, or feelings of not being heard, or seen. Our relationship has always been a deep source of expansion for me. I see the world as a glass half full. I choose to see the good, the love, to believe the best in mankind. He’s not the opposite of that though more analytical. His first instinct is not to choose love but rather, choose equanimity. He gathers all the information and decides if love is his response. He loves deeply, and believes in the power of human connection. 

To love deeply and accept someone for who they are today means to not try to change them or their beliefs. It means to honor all that they are no matter where the makeup, genetic or otherwise, has come from. It means to embrace their beliefs as their beliefs without judgement. To love and accept someone for who they are is to hold their hand as they let their guard down, a process that cannot have an expectation by the hand-holder. It means to inspire them to want to accept others for who they are, no matter how different ones world views might be. 

It doesn’t mean to accept the pain they may have inflicted, or to condone bad behavior.  Nor does it mean to let go of your own needs, wants and desires. 

To love and accept someone for who they are means both individuals are willing to let themselves grow through their pain, pasts, and differences.

Hopefully I do not need to give you permission to be who you are, hopefully that is something you continue to do for yourself each and everyday. But if you are in need of that extra support, may you love and accept yourself for exactly who you are today while feeling inspired to open and listen to another’s perspective, no matter how different. 

This is a Full Moon week, which means emotions, experiences, situations might feel intensified. You can use this as a potent growth period for what you are working with and through. And if you’d like, answer these questions to support some unlocking. 

:: Who, what in your life could use a little extra glass half full perspective?

:: Who, what in your life could you see, hear, honor?

:: Who, what could use some extra acknowledgements?

:: What situation in your life has brought to light difficulties with differences, and where can you call in more love and appreciation for the experience as it stands today?

And if you can, choose someone in your life that would feel for you to say “I love and appreciate you for who you are today.”

And in case you didn’t already know this dear readers, this is how I feel about each one of you, I love and accept you just the way you are wired, even and especially when it’s different than me.

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You always have two choices, fear or love.

You always have two choices, fear or love.

My mom recently witnessed a traumatic accident that resulted in the loss of a man’s life. My mom is okay, and the people in my orbit that I know and love are okay, but having her be so close to the scene got me thinking about love and fear. I don’t know anything about the man who lost his life or his family, but as being close to these situations can do, it has made me reflect on life as I know it to be. Not only could our whole life change in an instant, so could the life of our loved ones and those we do not know. Feeling this in such a big big way brings nnot only a shift in perspective about life, but it also brings up questions about fear and love.

With every major decision, in every moment, in all that you do, you have a choice to choose living from a place of fear, or living from a place of love. You might think this is second nature, or simple. And some decisions certainly feel like they are. While others, well others are not so simple or clear. There are moments in life where we are faced with the decision to choose fear, or choose love, and maybe we stand in our own way, maybe we self-sabotage, or let past pains guide the decision, maybe outside circumstances have shaped your perspective to a point where you can’t even see the loving choice. Whatever it might be, if you can hold, and I mean hold with everything that you are the possibility of choosing love, you just might create the life that you dream of living. 

vi.sualize.us

Choosing love looks like saying you are sorry. It looks like forgiveness. It looks like letting someone love you the way they know how. Choosing love looks like loving yourself, it looks like loving yourself through the moments of walking away from love. Choosing love looks like setting strong boundaries. It looks like holding yourself to the standards of the life and love you deserve. Choosing love looks like claiming your needs out loud, it looks like completing yourself. And choosing love looks like a thousand other moments, moments you get to define.

In life you always have two choices, you can swim in fear, and take the chance of getting stuck there, of holding yourself in fear and keeping life the same as you know it for fear of the unknown.

Or, you can play with love. In the world of playing with love you can experience explosive joy, and soul on fire happiness. You can also experience loss, pain, sadness. There is no confirmation that when you play with love you won’t also experience pain. But one thing is for sure, if you choose fear, you don’t get to experience playing with love. If you choose fear you don’t know what could be, might be on the other side.

You always have two choices, fear or love. What are you going to choose today?

The Wisdom of Fall

Fall in LA is completely different than Fall anywhere else. I know that, feel that, see that, but I like to think of Fall as an energy, a sentiment, and maybe you’ve even taken notice over the last few days feeling the shift of this energy in the air no matter where you are located.

Photo by Jakob Owens @jakobowens1

In all my group classes the last few weeks it seemed as though confusion, and stress were abundant. People were sitting up in classes like a whack-a-mole game, confusion was strong, and the stress that seemed to be radiating off people was intense. This week it’s as though everyone has taken a big deep breath. We’ve embraced a little bit more of the transition into Fall and we are starting to slow down. Go inward.

My feeling is that people were feeling anxious about the transition into Fall. Transitions can feel big, scary. They hold a lot of weight, and yet if we don’t have complete clarity about the what’s and the why’s of the transition, we might even feel resistant to transitioning at all. But it’s during these transitions that our bodies, that your world could really call in more trust. In order to trust in the process of the transition though, you might be in need of some internal reflection. 

For me personally I did not even know I was confused last week. I did not know that I was feeling any stress whatsoever about summer coming to a close, and entering the fourth quarter of the year. It wasn’t until I was in the ocean for the second time this past weekend that I felt it. My grip on Summer. My desire to keep the warmth of the ocean wrapped around my body.

But holding water in your hand is like trying to hold onto love. It slips right through every time.

And so I took a deep breath, went on a long walk and went inward. I dove into the dirty workings of my brain, saw where I’ve been cleaning up messes, and where I’ve been undervaluing myself along the way. Suddenly I understood why I was gripping summer, I wasn’t ready. So with this unreadiness, I wrote. Asking and answering questions like :: 

What is my medicine for fall?

What am I calling in?

What needs revisiting?

What needs a complete shake-off?

Then I set some intentions for Fall 2019. Intentions that were soft, and not rooted in action, and intentions with clear steps forward. 

Suddenly I felt the sweet, bitter goodbye to Summer with a little more acceptance. I don’t need to hold onto the water, I’ve appreciated it for all that it has offered me this Summer, and it will come around again soon, just like it always does.

And so this Fall, holding all my intentions in my heart, I vow to allow wisdom to be revealed as I step more into balance. I vow to stay true to who I am, while I evolve into another version of me. And as we step into all that Fall has to offer together, I vow to listen to the wisdom of the season. There is a lot of wisdom in this time of year. This time of reflection, of crisp evening air, and colors sprouting everywhere reminding us of our own innate inner wisdom. What is your fall medicine?

Space for the Whole Person

Interpersonal relationships are expanders. They open your world view, expanding the way in which you see the world, bringing in alternate perspectives and so many other thoughts that you might not have otherwise seen or understood. Interpersonal relationships teach us everything we need to know about ourselves, about how we interact with the world, about the perspectives we do and don’t have, about our flaws and our strengths in the world. These relationships are wildly important to our growth culturally, and personally, and yet the understanding that we have of another is just one piece of the pie. What I mean by this is we don’t know what we don’t know. We can’t see what we can’t see. So there will always be more to a person than our current understanding that we have. 

Take the example of you’re in the car, you’re driving and you get cut off. You feel super triggered because well that person was being an idiot, they almost hurt you, how could they think that they were driving the right way? Then if you can get calm enough you consider that maybe they are a beginner and just learning to drive, or maybe they’re running late to the hospital where a loved one has recently been placed. We don’t know what’s going on in that other car and when we are able to consider what that person might be dealing with, we begin to release judgement and instead call forward more compassion and understanding. This is the same perspective I hope to call in more often. There is an energy we get from another, that is undeniable. And you are certainly not meant to like every type of human, or to be friends with everyone in the world. There are many things that connect you to another, friendships built on depth, on common interests, on shared heartfelt experiences. But even if someone isn’t meant to be your friend, even if they’re not someone you would typically run in a circle with, isn’t there a little more space we could be giving to one another without being written off too quickly? Space to be messy, to make mistakes, to be misunderstood?

I am absolutely guilty of this. Of feeling the energy of another and deciding right here and now that this person is not my type of person. And guess what, maybe they aren’t! The trick is in choosing not to judge them for why they are not your type of person. Choosing to address them with love and understanding anyway. Choosing to feel compassion towards them for exactly who they are.

It feels like we could all be holding a little more space for each other to be a whole person. Space to sometimes be crabby. Space left for mystery, for not understanding the heart of another without it necessarily being wrong or a bad thing. Maybe you don’t even write these things off as bad or wrong, but you write them off as weird. We don’t have to understand the weird energy we feel from another, and maybe that’s just okay. If we were all holding a little more space for differences, for the things we don’t quite yet understand, maybe just maybe, there would be room for more compassion. Maybe there would be room for empathy without understanding why the weirdness is felt, or why they cut you off. It feels as though we could leave a little more space for the rest of the pie of the whole person that someone is to be filled in without judgement, and instead with love guiding the way. For me, it always comes back to love. 

Am I loving myself enough that I can leave space for that person to be who they are without judgement? Am I loving myself enough to believe I too am worthy of success? Am I loving myself enough that I believe exactly who I am and what I bring to the table is enough, and if I am then there is all the room in the world for the other person to fill in their whole person pie. If I am truly loving myself in the deepest way I know how, then there is more than enough space for each of us to discover our own whole-person and that is the exact journey I want to be on with you. A journey of discovering our own whole pies.

You are enough.

Photographer/credit unknown?

What if you considered being enough? What if today you chose to see that in everything you do, in all that you create, in all that you accomplish and fail at, you are enough? And what if, being enough was your default rather than the life boat? What might that make possible for you?

When you lack self-love you choose, instinctually to believe the dark thoughts before the good ones. Following the instinct of the dark path happens so fast you almost don’t realize the good thoughts were ever even there to consider.  This happens because you lack self-love. This happens because there are still parts of your body that make you feel green with envy, things you want, wounds, pain you feel that gets triggered. You must choose to get through the dark thoughts. Choose to not be captured by feelings of lacking, and instead consider the option of being enough. Just exactly as you are, today in this very moment, consider being enough.

I had a breakdown the other night. I still feel really good about how I moved through this breakdown, it only took about 30 minutes of my day, and I was able to let it go and continue on rather seamlessly, but it was a breakdown nonetheless. I’ve been working on this book proposal for 9 months now, actively writing the book at the same time for the last 3 years, and through it all I have not once felt like I was going crazy. It always felt like a lot of work. It always felt big, sometimes heavy, sometimes too much, but it never once made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Until the other night. The feeling washed over me like I had never experienced. I was stuck on finding a good word, a solid, all capturing word for this powerful section of my book. Something to describe this process I feel so passionate about and as I scoured through theseurs.com, and racked my fiance’s brain, I started to cry. 

The feeling hit me so fast. What if I couldn’t come up with this word, was my book even worth writing if I couldn’t describe this? What does this say about me as a writer if I, the writer, couldn’t find the word for this? Did I waste the last 3 years of my life writing something that I can’t even describe? Were my words even original, did they matter? Was my book even worth it? The spiral was big, dark and as they almost always are all consuming. In that moment I decided to just stop. I looked out the window, and shook my head. Stop it I told myself. You know why you’re doing this, you’re doing this because you have to. Stop succumbing to self-doubt spirals I said to myself, you know your words, your story, your meditations are impactful. What’s more is that you have to do this because your body wants to get this out, however that happens, and whatever that means, your body wants this out and into the world so just stop it.

And truly just like that, I locked eyes with my fiance, took a few deep breaths, and started scrolling through the thesaurus again. 

Consider this option today :: You are enough. When in doubt, you are enough. When confused, consider your thoughts as they stand, your direction, your clarity in this moment, is enough. When shameful, consider you, just exactly as you are, enough. You are enough. Your words matter, so stop, breathe, cut off the dark thoughts and love yourself into believing, feeling that you dear friends, are enough. 

It always comes back to loving YOU more

If you are not getting something you desire, if you are feeling stuck in an area of your life, the way through this block comes back to either that experience, thing was not meant to be yours; or; you need to love yourself more. Love the parts of you that might have been left behind somewhere along the way, love yourself enough that you innately believe in your worth, and be willing to see this let-down differently as a result.

I have been disappointed time and time again in my life. Whether it was a disappointment due to expectations that I had, or it was a disappointment because I allowed this experience to mean that I was no longer worthy of what I didn’t receive, I can draw a through line for almost every disappointment back to one of these two moments.

Let’s dive into an example, there was an opportunity on the table for me to work with this extremely exclusive company. It would have meant I was the weekly teacher for world-class executives, CEO’s, celebrities and more. I developed a pitch, I had the meetings, it went great, it was happening. Suddenly out of nowhere they didn’t get back to me. They stopped responding and I soon discovered that a good friend, colleague and fellow teacher of mine had instead been given the position. I was crushed. Months went by and I could not let my disappointment go. I couldn’t seem to drop my expectations that I had held. I made this disappointment about my worth as a teacher.

A year later, and yes it took me a whole year, I finally had light shine and I saw it clear as ever. This experience not only was never mine, never meant for me, I had also developed an entire story in my head around the place in my heart that had been most hurt by this. This wound inside me left me with lack of self-love, and I was meant to love myself deeper as a result of this disappointment instead of tear myself up over it. It was only when I saw that this experience was never meant for me to begin with, accepted that and let this truth soften my heart, that I could start filling in the story of worthiness I had created with my own love and belonging. I immediately felt a shift in my heart. In breathwork I could see the hole left by expectations lost and started filling it up with my own love. I  could release my story of not being worthy of teaching, guiding these upper class individuals, and I let love win within me. My whole body softened, and my heart felt thrilled for the space this disappointment had created in my life for other opportunities that are meant for me.

When you are creating a story about your disappointments, your failures, love yourself. When you are berating yourself for a seemingly setback, ask yourself if this was ever truly meant to be yours, and then love yourself. When you are doubting your worth, questioning your belonging, love yourself in the place inside you that needs it most. Lay down for breathwork, ask for guidance to call in more love. Watch that love fill you, soften you and ultimately open you to a whole lot more! I find almost everything comes back to self-love. It’s layer after layer of learning to love yourself deeper. Where in your life today can you choose to see a disappointment as an opportunity to love yourself more fully?

Instagram:: @WillowFlowersbyDesign

Riding the Fear of Change with Equanimity

We don’t want to be Left Behind.

Being left behind seems to be a feeling that we all experience no matter the phase of life we’re in. Clients of mine feel left behind because they’re in their 30’s and don’t have their soul partner. Clients who are in their 60’s feel left behind because they only recently found healing and began healing from childhood experiences. Clients who have entered retirement stage feel left behind because the work force continues on without them, or because their saying goodbye to their parents. Friends who are accelerating in their careers feel left behind because they don’t yet have babies. Clients and friends who have gotten married, and are now going through a divorce feel left behind because they’re not happily married with kids already. I too have felt beholden to the feelings of being left behind.

There are phases, waves of life that we go through. We make new friends, we get settled in the ways in which this person, or group have impacted us, and then someone makes a big life choice and moves on. It’s not always about hurt, breakup or hostility, it’s the simple evolution of change. Old friends leave our life for unexpected, and unknown reasons. They move, they travel, they meet someone else and something else becomes their priority, and life paths continue moving in these vastly different directions. It doesn’t mean you love one another any less, and it doesn’t mean that the paths won’t cross again, it just means for this moment in time you are not at an intersection together. Sometimes the breakups, the change is hostile and the devastation hurts far more than we would ever have expected. People get married, live in new states, build families, make new friends, buy houses, get divorced, break-up, meet someone new.

The only thing that is ever constant is change.

Change and evolution are the constant we can depend on.

The Buddhist lineage lives by a belief system that life is suffering. This is one of the Four Noble Truths. My interpretation of this belief is rooted in the idea that pain and suffering are bound to happen and it is our choice how we work with this. When we can embrace this change as truth, we’re naturally more inclined and able to ride the waves of pain and suffering with equanimity. This way of life is less about trying to remain calm and unaffected, and more about opening to our own understanding of pain, of our healing journey. It’s also about opening to not understanding our journey’s and allowing self to ride it through with equanimity. For those of us who are sensitive beings, this feels like the North Star.

Etsy Artist Red Fish Creative

To ride through the waves of change with equanimity feels like a constant effort for me. I’ve been knocked off my feet, double over by darkness and pain, and troubled by the unknown like every human being on this planet, more times than I can count. And I will never stop trying to ride my emotions through with equanimity, never let the fears and feelings of being left behind overtake me. They don't own me. They’re simply messages, information for me to go deeper. An opportunity  for me to wake up each and everyday and face them with fortune and belief that my blooming and growth is inevitable.

When we ride the waves of change, the pain, the suffering, the feelings of being left behind with equanimity not only are we experiencing the depths of emotion, but we’re allowing these emotions to give us information about what’s next. And all while resisting the temptation to become overcome with comparison syndrome. And what if instead of living in social media life, we instead honored and claimed the moments we’re feeling stuck in comparison, and allowed ourselves to move through with presence, trust and an inner knowing that we’re on exactly the path we’re meant to be on. We can’t know where it all is going to lead, but trusting in the process allows the left behind feelings to be held with love without overtaking us. It allows change to naturally occur as it is intended without turning our worlds upside down.

The reality is some experiences, some emotions are going to overtake us. Some traumas are so big there is nothing that we can do but feel them, be in them and allow the rocking to occur. The desired way of being happens once that rocking has begun to slow. Once you can see through the fog a bit, that is when we become conscious enough to see our choice of riding with equanimity. That is when we have the choice of presence, of letting ourselves be changed by evolution. Evolving with equanimity is finding your way through the change for yourself, for your loved ones, for your world, time and time again.

Instagram :: Artist Minna So

From the outside looking in...

I’m taking an online class for my business, as I look to create better systems, structure and experiences so I can best serve each and every one of you. In this program we were given an assignment to email twenty people that we love and trust, and ask them what they perceived, from the outside looking in, was our superpower. TWENTY people!? That was my reaction, it simply felt like too much. I couldn’t ask that many people to spend time in their day complimenting me. The discomfort I felt was likely expected and part of the reason this assignment was there to begin with. So I went ahead and pressed send on this email. Over the next few days these emails came through from people I know deeply well, people I trust with my everything, people expressing these thoughts, these notions they have from the outside looking in at me. Every time an email came through, I felt my heart might explode. One by one, love was passed through the internet to me. Each person spent their precious time writing up their understandings about me, who I am as person, and had the willingness and bravery to send it my way. With each expression, I would smile, hold my heart, sometimes even letting a tear fall. Love, upon love, upon love. I suddenly felt stronger, I felt more capable of creating these experiences I want to create. I felt more held than I think I have ever felt before. Everyone deserves this overwhelming abundance of love I said to my partner. Every single person.

As the emails slowed down, I realized why this felt so good. It has nothing to do with attention, but rather the complete feeling of being seen. For a long time now I’ve been filling myself up with my own love. I’ve held my wounds, my triggers in high regard, created space for them to be felt, to heal, and I’ve loved myself through each and every step. I have loved and honored myself through it. I believe that is why my heart was able to be so filled by this exercise, because it was already full on my love, so this love in my life externally simply complimented everything I was already feeling.

Give yourself the gift of being seen. Being heard. And as you’re bravely standing in your YOU-ness, fill yourself up with your own love so much that no outside reaction actually matters. Instead, you are seen, you are heard because you support you standing up there. That’s when others begin to truly see you. And if you’re standing there watching someone else do the same, maybe, just maybe, you can express the beauty that you see and feel from the outside looking in for them. Let your wounds flow out of you from love, with love so another can experience the fullness of being seen, being loved.

Express yourself. Express your love. Express the unspoken.

Pinterest ::

Finding Love for the Body You Have.

Our bodies are a vessel for how we live this life. Our bodies are a sacred space simply by existing inn the seat it’s sitting in, and with the shape the air takes around you. Our bodies are the ultimate sacred space. How many of you are treating it as such? How many of you practice gratitude in the form of spirituality, practice, sweat or nourishment for your body? And how much of your daily life is built on a foundation of this deep gratitude for the ultimate sacred space?  

Pinterest Artist here

Our hands help us communicate, exaggerate, nourish, feed us. Our legs hold us up, bring us from place to place with ease, support us as we sweat and ground into this earth. And then there are our insides, all that is happening inside of us that we cannot see. All that is happening simply to support us in living our best, high functioning life. Every limb, every organ has it’s function. 

We live our life focused on goals, dreams, what we want to create. We live day in and day out with our wounds, our heartaches, our worries. And yet how much of your day do you spend feeling gratitude for your body? (And if you’re someone who does, I would love to hear from you about your rituals, experiences, tools in working with this.) I know for me, it absolutely has not been enough.

Recently I heard one of those stories where a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend had been in an accident. This distant soul whom I’ve never met went to work one day worried about the normal worries of life, busyness, bills, schoolwork. He had his health his fully functioning body, expecting to leave that night and return to his children, run around the baseball field that weekend, and enjoy life with his family. The accident took this away from him, he was badly injured, luckily still alive, yet life will return to a new kind of normal after this accident. I’ve had a client who truly could not see the beautiful body that she owned. She knew there was an opportunity for more love, yet it was a daily struggle for her to love what she did have while at the same time feeling sick and tired of these self-sabotaging feelings taking up brain space in her mind, in her body. Body-shaming for her was easier than gratitude and love. Hating her ultimate sacred space was habit, second nature making the depth of gratitude truly f foreign. Back in December I injured myself and have spent the last 3 months in Physical Therapy rehabbing a simple limb that has wrecked havoc on how I walk, get places, work out and more.

Self-love has many layers.

You learn how to love something about yourself one day, and one layer feels healed, and then a new one shows up thereafter. You learn to love yourself in a new role, in a new position, and then a new opportunity to check into your feelings of worthiness pops up. The layers of loving ourselves are endless, and as we live each day we have a new opportunity to feed, open to  and spread that love. A huge part of our life is built around having the functioning of our bodies, of our health. And no matter where you fall on the spectrum of this, no matter your health situation, or journey with your body, I’m sure there is an o opportunity to call in a little more love and gratitude for the ultimate sacred space that carries you throughout this life, your body. 

It feels almost imperative at this point to find ways to celebrate our bodies, our ultimate sacred space. If you’d like a little support today here are some ways you can start a  practice of daily body-loving, or bring this in however feels right to you. 

• First and foremost make a decision to stop talking badly about you and your body. For this to work, make the mindset shift that  you  are done letting body-shaming, or negative body thoughts take up space in your brain. And overtime you notice your mind falling there you instead switch your language replacing it with something you l love or are grateful for. For example, you’re getting dressed in the mirror and you see an extra role or muffin-top, the thought pops in quickly, and you kindly, gently, let the thought go, and replace it with something you are grateful for about your body.

• Throughout your day, close your eyes, how does your body feel in this moment? What does it feel like to live in your body? Are there aches and pains that have frustrated you, or brought you a new kind of experience living in this body? And are there ways you can appreciate these pains, these scars for what they have opened for you? If not, simply identify them, say hello to them, and then return to calling in something  you are grateful for about your body.

• Note on Gratitudes ::  They can be as simple as :: I am grateful to have a body. I am grateful to have the ability to walk myself from my car to my job, or grateful to be able to walk hand in hand with my child. Gratitudes do not have to be complex, but they can be something you believe in.

• Take one hand and run it down each arm slowly, feeling the pressure, the touch of you on you. Do the same thing for each leg. As you roll across each body part say thank you to them for their function, for what they do. Let the Thank you be said out loud, exclaimed, felt.  Embody the feeling the gratitude. 

No matter what our bodies look like today, no matter what they feel like, no matter what injuries, or body parts you do or don’t have, we must find a way to embody the depth of gratitude and love for the body that we do have. And there is always an opportunity to call in more, deeper love. Your invitation here is to look yourself in the mirror this week and love the human staring back at you just a little more deeply than you did yesterday.

Today’s release coming through poetry.

::

Be still.

Be still my shaken breath.

Be still my stolen glances.

Be still my weary heart.

Be still my tear-soaked eyes for you can rest knowing that your emotions are your superpower.

::

We spend so much time treading water.

So much time dodging, jumping over waves, looking around us to see what needs to be avoided.

We spend so much time pretending not to see the beauty on the ocean floor that we forget just how much we have always loved the feeling of water blowing through our hair.

We forget how much we’ve loved the cleansing water rings left behind by our bodies.

We spend so much time in our fear, we forget that we’ve actually always loved to swim.

::

What good is a half-lite life?

If all the world comes down to is sitting in a bed as you breathe your last breath while everyone you have ever lived life with has left you behind and everyone that is left that you love is someone you’ve created, what good is a half-lite life?

No. I will find the miracle in the mundane. I will find the torch, create the torch if I must and walk the path through a full-lite life. I will lay in that bed one day with my heart bleeding love, saying goodbye to my human vessel, looking back with a smile radiating within because my life was lite many times over.

::

By me.

Pinterst here.

Embracing Inner Light AND Dark for Whole-Hearted Living

You are light, and you are dark. You have light in you, and you also have dark in you. Both are equally as important to learn from. Both are equally as important to get to know, to work with, and to use as guidance forward.

Art by Etsy Artist here.

You are innately made up of light, this true, magnifying light that lives inside of you, and all around you. A light that we can call forward, ask for support from. A light we can ask to be purified with, a light that can guide us, that can drive us. And you are also innately made up of dark, of your shadow. The parts of you that feel shame, the parts of you that feel fear, disappointment, disbelief. Your shadow are the parts we typically wish to hide. The parts we feel a semblance of embarrassment from not because they’re embarrassing as much as because we’re afraid, or unsure of what embracing our shadow, our darkness might look like.

What if today, in this moment, you decided to wholeheartedly embrace all versions of you? What if today you decided to ditch the labels, ditch the understanding you have previous had and open to new possibilities? What if you decided to simply be with all that you are, as you are? No semblance of understanding from a single other person needed because the only understanding required for your wholehearted living is your own. If you were fully to embrace all versions of you today, in this moment, what would that look like? Is there a big hug, a deep breath, a deep thank you you’re in need of giving you? Maybe wholehearted self-acceptance comes from so deep within we can relate the feeling to true inner peace. Maybe giving yourself that inner peace is enough to spark the trigger of support you need from you.

Choosing to believe in ourselves is as simple and as complicated as that. We must make the choice to believe in ourselves if we’re going to manifest all that we desire. We must choose to believe in ourselves if we’re going to call in sacred love, sacred family, sacred work. We must choose to believe in ourselves over any label, over any outside perspective, opinion, or circumstance. We must choose to believe in the Universe, in something greater, bigger than us that is lighting the path for us. We must choose to believe in our light and in our dark so we can use them both to guide us forward. We must choose this belief and allow this belief to create the plan beyond that.

Some thoughts….

Write down all that you desire for this year as though it is already happening. Make your vision board, be specific about what you’re calling in. Listen to meditations to calm the chatter telling you you can’t, it’s not possible, I’m afraid, but what if, what if, what if. Work out and picture that desire so clearly in your head it’s hard to tell that it’s even a vision vs. reality. Write down your dream team of doctors, support systems that if money weren’t an issue you would want to spend on to support you. A therapist. A business Coach. A healer. A writing Coach. An acupuncturist. Physical Therapy. Personal Trainer. A Breathwork Coach. The list could be endless. Take a look at that list time and time again, is there one of those individuals that you see could really support your steps forward in believing in the life you want to be creating?

Creating the life we desire, the life we dream of begins with believing in oneself. To believe in oneself, we must acknowledge, accept and embrace all versions of who we are. Our light and our dark. They are a part of us, and we can use them both to guide us forward, to manifest all that we desire in life. Embrace your light. Embrace your dark and allow wholehearted living to be more than just a dream or a vision, let it become your reality.

On a separate but related note…

The idea of embracing our light and our darkness came from a breathwork vision I had. In this vision I had the sudden inner realization that there is no difference between the two. The light within me merged with my own darkness and created a new color, a color I could not quite see but felt. It was peaceful. The light/dark swirl was all consuming. It flowed through my veins like blood, like water feeding me, nourishing me from the inside out. There was a peaceful explosion above my head that allowed the energy to shoot through my body, out my feet rooting me into the earth. The light/dark swirl told me that embracing the darkness was about allowing the darkness that I don’t understand to be there, allowing myself to not understand it and allowing myself to be immersed by it all. We are all light and we are all dark, and there is no difference between them.

5 Tips for a Waste-Free Grocery Trip - Guest Blog Post

Guest blog post by: Salima Mangalji of Live Fully with Salima

I never considered myself an avid outdoors woman. It was not easy to access good hiking or the beach when I lived on the East Coast. But when I moved out to LA, I traded out my winter coat for a bathing suit and began surfing! I developed a deep appreciation and love for being in the water, feeling like I was part of something bigger than myself (having seals, sting rays, fish, and dolphins swimming nearby did not hurt either!). But one thing I began to notice was a prevalence of plastics littering the beach and the water. This devotion to the ocean (rhymez) combined with my training in nutrition led me to explore the impact of plastics on the environment and our bodies.

There is a growing garbage patch the size of Texas in the Pacific Ocean primarily made of plastics and refuse from North America and Asia. Out of sight should not mean out of mind! Plastic does not decompose, but rather breaks down into very small pieces that fish can eat. Then we eat the fish that ate the plastic. Research shows that plastic can act as an endocrine disrupter in our bodies and can result in estrogen and other hormone imbalances and toxicity in the body. We have control over what we are buying, and we can reduce our exposure to BPA and DEHP which are widely used in plastic products and consumer food packaging.

This year I committed to doing these 5 things to reduce my reliance on plastic and reduce food waste at the grocery store, farmer’s market, and the drug store:

1. Buy nuts, flours, beans, and grains from bulk bins at the grocery store or farmer’s market. This way, you are reducing your use of plastic bags and packaging. In most grocery stores, you can bring in your own jars and containers to fill with what you need.

2. Use reusable bags to eliminate single use plastics. You can buy cloth or hemp produce bags online here to put your fresh produce in as well.

3. Buy soap concentrate like Dr. Bronners to re-fill and reuse your hand soap, dishwasher, and cleaning product containers.

4. Make a grocery/meal plan list to ensure that you have a plan for all the produce you are buying to reduce your food waste. Keep your reusable bags in the car for any impromptu shopping trips.

5. I use beeswax wraps that I found online to use instead of foil or plastic wrap when I am storing food in the fridge. You can rinse the wraps when you are done, and then save them for the next time. I like these by Abeego.

Life isn’t perfect, but we can take these steps to actually make a difference not only in our lives, but for others, the plants, the animals, and the planet.

About Salima: Salima is a holistic nutritionist supporting those living their lives in a hustle whether it be at school, at home, or in business. With hormone support, stress-relieving techniques, and gentle nutrition, Salima works to help her clients find balance in health to help them be their best selves in what matters most to them.

The Dreaded Biological Clock

GUEST BLOG POST BY: WHITNEY STREET WELLNESS

The old fairytale has been rewritten. Prince Charming is a thing of the past as women have become the heroes of their own stories. We are building highly successful careers, making our own money, and becoming the champion of our own lives. It’s a long time coming that women thrive in the workplace, and although there is still a ways to go, so much progress has been made. But there is ultimately one thing we cannot change, and that is our biological clock. At some point, we do have to stop and consider if we want a family and when that fits into our lives. I am not suggesting we cannot or should not have it all, but simply that there is need for pause and planning. Working as a nurse in the field of fertility, I have seen far too many patients in their late 30s and 40s who were shocked to find their fertility had diminished. With advances in modern medicine, there are plenty of options to preserve fertility if you find yourself not ready to start the parenting thing just yet.   Here are a few things you can look into if you feel the internal clock ticking:

1. Have your OBGYN check your fertility. I think this should be a standard part of health care. Women in their 20s should start getting ultrasounds with their pap smears. An ultrasound performed vaginally can look at the number of eggs in your ovaries. Counting eggs is one simple measure of fertility that is minimally invasive, quick, and generally painless. This gives you a snapshot of your fertility and can let you know if more testing is needed. Some women have plenty of eggs, while others have fewer. Knowing which category you fall in can help you plan your future.

2. Freeze your eggs. Even if you have a lot of eggs, the quality of those eggs declines as you age. If you are in your mid 30s and do not see yourself getting pregnant in the next couple of years, it might be a good idea to see a fertility specialist. The specialist can discuss the ins and outs of egg freezing and if this is the right fit for you. Freezing eggs gives you an insurance plan, so you have the option of putting parenting on the back burner as you pursue other things. Keep in mind, seeing a specialist does not mean you have to move forward, it just gives you more information.  And information is power.

3. Freeze embryos.  Freezing eggs is a great option for many women, but unfortunately the quality of those eggs is not apparent until they are made into an embryo by combining them with sperm. Women in their 40s (where the proportion of normal eggs is lower), those in same sex relationships or long term relationships (who aren’t quite ready to be pregnant) may want to consider this. If you want greater reassurance than freezing eggs alone can give you, you can consider creating and freezing embryos.  

4. Get pregnant.  This one may freak you out, in which case you can stop reading and revisit the options listed above. But if you have come to that point in your life where you feel you are ready to be a mom this is something you can look into. I have been at that point in life where I felt like a switch flipped and I was ready to be pregnant. This feeling was both physical and emotional and something I could not put aside. Even if you have not found the right partner, donor sperm can be an option. This is a huge decision with many factors to consider, but if you feel that undeniable drive to be a mother, you should not have to deny yourself that longing.

Your fertility should be something you play an active role in. Finding out more information about your body can be scary, but the sooner you do it, the more time you will have to make the right decisions for you. You are the only one who knows what is best for your body, so seek more information to ensure you make informed decisions that give you the greatest opportunity to achieve your future goals and wants. So go ahead, rewrite the fairytale and stop time while you’re at it too.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON FERTILITY, WELLNESS COACHING BY WHITNEY STREET, CHECK OUT WHITNEYSTREETWELLNESS.COM

You are not alone

Some words of love if you’re feeling less than jolly this holiday season...

My holiday’s 5 years ago and every year before that were incredible. I never understood the mentality of The Grinch because I hadn’t experienced anything that had truly hindered this spirit. I had experienced heartbreak, and I had certainly had my fair share  of lessons, pain and turmoil, but not to the depth that 5 years ago brought me. It wasn’t until then that I understood this time of year being nothing but full reminders of our pain, sorrow, abandonment, grief and so much more. I’m saying this because I hope that this may act as a reminder that you are not alone. It’s to remind you that if this holiday season has been, and continues to be difficult for you, for your heart, you should know you are  far, very far, North Pole far, from being alone. If you are in the process of parsing out pain, of feeling your sadness, your sorrow, it’s okay. Hold yourself tight. Take a long bath. Walk on the beach. Ask a friend or a loved one for a hug. None of these things will make it better, but you will be reminding your body that you are loved. If you’re ready, reflect on the pain of your trauma, of your year. Emotions, the pain has to come up in order to make their way out. And out they will come, just doesn’t always fit within our expected timeline. But they will come out eventually, holiday’s will be fun, joyful even, again. And if you are not in this grieving place, may you offer a huge to a stranger, a friend of a friend. May you reach out because we never know what one has gone through to get to where they  are today, and these kind gestures can go a long way for a grieving heart.

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All that matters is LOVE.

At the end of our life, we lose function of our bodies as we have known them. We lose we our basic motor functions. We lose our ability to communicate like we have known, and we lose our ability to interact with the world the only way we have known how. Our society has put bountiful amounts of importance on verbal communication, we’re mad when someone doesn’t understand us, when we’re inconvenienced by someone else’s cultural backgrounds and can’t communicate clearly, or aren’t understood or understanding someone else. Language is an exceptionally powerful tool, and as a writer, a healer, an analytical being, and mostly, a talker, I myself love the power of words. Yet as time goes on, we completely lose this skill, we return back to younger ages of development, and eventually we also love our movement, and control of the most basic of functions.

So if everything we learn, if our communication, the main tool we use for connection, our ability to hug one another, our memories fade away with time, all that we are left with in  our final days is our love. We’re left with love.

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As I sat at the bedside table of my dying grandmother, I felt the light pitter patter of her heart beating, and the small, and the soft inhales and exhales of her body moving. Every few minutes she would open her eyes, sometimes it would be soft, but mostly it would be a full body jolt as she opened her eyes only to see that she was still on this earth.

When she would look at me, every now and then I’d see, feel a recognition cross over her face. I held her hand lovingly between both of mine, and would tell her how much I loved her. My grandma, like most people I suppose, never liked talking about death, she never liked accepting her aging self, so we never talked much about what would happen next, we always just enjoyed the moments we had together. As I sat there, I wanted to tell her how wonderful our life had been together, how much better my life has been because she’s been in it. But I don’t, she wouldn’t want to hear that, it was too much of an acceptance of what was happening next. So instead I just tell her I love her.

LOVE, when the word leaves my mouth I swear I could see her comprehending it, and ever so slightly, she squeezed my hand. We sit there looking at one another for another few moments before her eyes drift closed again, a heavy breathe escaping her lips telling me that she’s fallen back asleep, she’s gone back to the other world.

She’s happy in this other world I tell myself, she’s with grandpa now, she’s with her best friend Eleanor. I wonder if they’re holding each other, smiling, laughing, happy to be together again. I look at my grandma breathing in this world but drifted into the other, and think about how small she looks. This whole life my grandma has lived. Married for more than 60 years to a man who was in the War, a man she didn’t love as she walked down the aisle, yet grew to love more than life itself. A family history filled with anti-semitism, pain, the great depression.Two grown kids, five grandchildren. So much happened in her lifetime, so much love, loss, happiness, and growth. So much to worry about in the day-to-day of life, and so much to do, yet here she is, lying in this bed at the end of it all, crossing between two worlds and all that really matters is love.

The only word she responds to is when I tell her I love her. The only thing that matters in her days are the visits from the people she loved, the people that love her. The only thing she is left with is the language of love, the love in her big, beautiful heart, and the love she is leaving this world, and entering the next with.

So, life through love.

Let it all be.

Let it all go.

Let love thrive.

Chase your dreams driven by love.

Break through the fear with unconditional love.

Heal with love.

Feel uninhibiting fear and let love reign.

All that matters is love.

So may you life through love in every moment of everyday.

The Last Moments...

Why is it that you never know when a moment in time, something that’s become a regular part of your life, is going to be a last moment?

Some things you get to say goodbye to. Some things make it clear that you’re on your last with them, and you have a moment in which you get to bid farewell. Like when you’re traveling and you’re saying goodbye to a city you’ve spent a few days in, you have a flight and as you’re packing you’re saying your goodbyes to that city. Or when you’re moving out of an apartment, and you’re able to look around you, consciously watching as the final chapter of this last life closes and you move on to the next. Or when you have a clean breakup with a loved one and you both look at each other, seeing love in one another’s eyes and you lean in, kissing each other for the last time.

When we get to say goodbye, when we get to honor the finality of such profound moments it creates opportunity for seamless closure as you close one door and look towards the next. This type of goodbye, although sadness may exist in the moment, and  we may mourn the loss, the changing of the tides, it can also result in a sense of wild freedom in the allowance of the time needed to process and move forward.

Other lasts you don’t get to choose and it’s bewildering to me as to why some lasts we are aware of and others we aren’t? Why are the lasts that we don’t anticipate often so much more difficult to heal?

Why don’t we typically remember the last...

kiss with a significant, soul-shaking romantic partner?

family dinners with everyone there?

holiday celebration filled with traditions and all the right people in the room?

words from grandparents, ex-lovers, family members, departed ones, loved ones?

gathering at a childhood home?

party in our old college apartment, or home?

single girl/guy night we had before settling down?

happy moment before a painful tragedy?

laugh we had with an long-lost, old friend?

Why don’t we typically remember these last significant moments?

Although I considered researching the science behind our brains, memories, and understanding what stays with us and what doesn’t, the more I ask this question, the more rhetorical it feels. It’s not about the why as much as it is creating the space for questioning. It’s not about the answer as much as it is processing strong emotion, and building a container for pain to be felt.

Treat every moment like it’s the last. Have an awareness of every moment, grand, and mundane. Not drenched in melancholy but rather an allowance for every moment with those that we love to burst at the seams with love. If we make the choice to consciously be aware of the kiss with our partners as they walk out the door for work, saying out loud, I love you, feeling inside the power of the kiss rather than the monotony of the routine, maybe this can soften the pain of the lasts we don’t remember. Maybe by allowing love to drive each and everyone of these moments we are treating like the last, we can imprint the everlasting love on our minds, our bodies and even if it’s not the last, when the day comes that that act is no longer with us, we are able to remember one of those powerful love-bursting moments and use it as fuel to move us forward.

Love always fuels us forward. No matter the chapter we’ve said goodbye to or are about to enter, live fully so that we may treat every moment like it is the last and let bursting-love be forever.

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Being a good person.

I’d like to think of myself as a fairly good person. I’d like to think that throughout the time I’ve been alive on this planet I’ve been fairly awake, making fairly conscious decisions rooted in a basic value system that my mother helped instill in me at a young age. I also of course know I’ve hurt people. I think it’s safe to generally say those actions were never acted upon from a cruel place where my intention was to hurt another, although even as I type that I can feel the defensiveness surfacing in my body. When it comes to acts of hate, do our intentions really matter?

In light of what’s been going on in our world culturally, I’ve been pushing myself to take a look at a deeper connection with self. I’ve been looking at how this motto of mine, Choose Love, has come to mean so much to me, and how in reflecting on my life, how I might not have always acted from this place. I’ve never been a hateful person and therefore I never saw any old actions as acts  of hate. Yet in looking back I know there are some people that deserve an apology from me. There are some people who I hurt because I myself was hiding, and there are some people I hurt because I was following my heart. Whether my perspective now leans more towards the, I was young, immature, and didn’t realize what I was doing, I know I have caused pain for some people and that my intentions were not felt from their side, and therefore, don’t entirely matter.

My memories of my childhood are completely wrapped up in being myself. I see now that what I remember as being myself was something that others weren’t quite comfortable with themselves in so it created a certain status for me. I simply  remember not caring what others thought of me, I remember not caring who talked to me or who didn’t, but rather, given my extreme like of people, just enjoyed the socialability of middle school. This friend of mine told me it was true for elementary school too, and I couldn’t help but feel like she was telling somebody elses story. Although who is to say she wasn’t inserting some of her own bias, I do know that during that time of innocence, I used my comfortability with people, my social skills, and unique for the age we were, extroverted nature to have fun. I remember fun being my number one priority, no matter what we were doing. My best friend and I used to play by this magical grandmother willow tree making potions out of the dirt, we would play dress-up with my mothers many, many trunks of fun dress-up clothes and create entire world’s in which we were high-schoolers, school teachers, or fight over who was the Blonde Spice Girl. Looking back, my desire for laughs were definitely used as something to stand behind.

I only remember his first name Timmy. Timmy was a couple years younger than us, and a small for his size type of kid with big teeth. We called him Timmy the Tooth, and we were relentless. I remember we would play hide and seek with Timmy, and we’d call out his name on the soccer field, searching for Timmy the Tooth. We chased him chanting this name. When he would hear us he would run away with his hands over his ears. The weird thing is I remember genuinely liking Timmy, and thinking that Timmy must like the attention of the older girls. Cleary I was justifying my behavior to myself. As an adult I still don’t think I was aware I was torturing him, and I know I owe Timmy an apology. I hide behind my desire to laugh, to make others laugh at your expense. I hid behind my own comfortability with who I was by picking on you, mocking you, and trying to make others laugh because it felt good to make others laugh. I’m sorry Timmy. I’m deeply sorry for leaning on hate in every way.

I’d like to think I’m a good person today. Someone who stands up for what she believes in, someone who stands up for others, who supports, heals and helps others however I possibly can. I know this doesn’t erase the ways in which I acted as a kid, but I do know that this is where we learn how to choose love over hate. I do know this is what I can teach my children, and maybe one day they will be braver than I was and stand up for value, for kindness and for what is right. I know that we can get really lost along the way and the only thing to do is to keep trying to right it, to right ourselves.

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